I LIVE IN A RAINBOW TREE :D

the adventure final by angels & airwaves.

2007-04-11T15:58:00.001+08:00

Even if your hope has burned with time, anything that's dead shall be regrown. And your viscious pain, your warning sign, you will be fine. Hello, here I am! And here we go, life's waiting to begin.

love this song!(:

doncha just hate recurring headaches, correction, MIGRAINES? damn this is baaad. its pounding and pounding like BOOMBOOMBOOM! and i've taken to chewing ice to get rid of the pain and th sounds. ouch, okay! like some frigging rush order on the city to be built faster.

boomboomboom.

im sooo hungry. no one's onlines, yulica and i hung up alr, mcspicy's running, ruth and zach take eons to reply. AND RYAN ISNT BACK WITH MY CRISPY CHICKEN YET! -frowns- its only four and i've taken to complaining every opportunity i get. what a bitch, eh? haha.

mummy didnt believe i woke up with a migraine. i swear it was the worst EVER. i felt pain in my left ear and the back of my neck okay!

ehmagosh, i feel pathetic.

but i've been resting the last few days, hurhurhur. i just hope its enoughhh. rawwrrr.

:D people come online! entertain this freak for awhilee): oh ryanryan! WHERE ARE YOU! i feel like i can smell the chicken already! hahaha [x

ooh justin! thanks for beautiful liar! omgosh, its fucking nice. hahaha(: the band plain white T's have awesome music as well. and saves the day is amazinggg! i've taken to talking about my ipod latest music collection. thats how BORED i am. someone save me.

oh.
Rebecca Lau: yupp, i'm sick niiahx. got mc already w0rrhx. will come back tomorrow nehhs.

damn if that dont give you goosebumps,
nehhs.

HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

put your records on by corrine bailey rae.

2007-04-10T21:44:00.000+08:00

Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright. The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change. Don't you think it's strange?

corrine bailey rae(:

new obsession, i'd think. i love her jazzy bluesy tones mann! hahaha. and the way her afro voice blends into it. now i know why the africans were the originators of BLUES!

todaytodaytoday.
it was very and not-at-all productive. when i say productive i mean in recreation & work. in work, i did five maths questions! :D oh dont get me wrong, i grabbed books and put them in front of me, but see. there was this DVD and this computer.. oh come on, taking books took an effort man! hahaha [x thats what i mean when i say: I CANT STUDY AT HOME!

recreationally, it was grrreaatt. haha. i caught the devil wears prada, and thou its an okay movie, its way too.... predictable. like how you know the girl and her ex will be okay, and how her boss will finally have a change of heart, and how you know the oh-so-charming perfect hot guy is from hell. hahaha. see, predictable!

i need to watch something with more punch, surprises and stuff. not predictable. but i guess, thats just me.

me and willy were talking today, on what we truly want. we managed to get to that topic through our confirmation name choices. on how isidora used to be a nun and stuff. and how i considered being one, but i know i cant. that much is OBVIOUS. not the way i was made. but then again, i came to the conclusion, that we wont know what we truly want until we get it.we're not under those circumstances, we'll have no idea what's it like to have that thing, until we have it.

true, no?

but i still say NO i cant be a nun. i only want to when im heartbroken, no guys no guys no guys!!!!! but thats not being true to either God or myself. haha. we both know that(:

me and zach have been trading songs like crazy today.
fellow fender freak and rock music rebel.
oh yes :D

i got loadsa songs today. from shawn, thanks you cockanehneh, for helping me get 'em(: (: smalltown poets, the older oasis and RCHP stuff, black crowes, corrine bailey rae, kaiser chiefs, fuel and those minorminor ones. the ones i only have one song from.[: yayys. i FINALLY got smalltown poets! omgosh! and they arent a disappointment either, they super duper really ROCKK!

dad's in taiwan for 2weeks. that means no temper tantrums, no rushing me when im late, no banging on the bathroom door for me to hurry up, no nagging at me&bro to not listen to th pods in the car, no screaming at us to this and that and this and that.

damn i miss my daddy): he left yesterday. hur. how can i not miss daddy? haha. i remember, once upon a time, he had a trip.and i missed him so much i sprayed his cologne on a piece of card and kept it with me at all times. that was last year manns! damn if i dont do it again now. haha. i miss daddy laa. heh. DADDY I LOVE YOUUU!<3

buy me another jacket and i'll love you moreeee!
~~joking~~<3

i'd best be off to bed now. meds will kick in awhile.

SMALLTOWN POETS!!!!!!

everything you want by vertical horizion

2007-04-10T12:29:00.000+08:00

But under skinned knees and the skid marks, past the places where you used to learn. You howl and listen, listen and wait for he echoes of angels who won't return.

hello world.
or part of the world who actually reads my blog. or the non-existent one? hahaha. its been a boring day. and i've only been awake 2 hours. most people would tell me to start doing work or someth, but i dont have the mood to. if i dont have the mood to do work its no use. nothing goes in my head.

i think im finally done with chosing a confirmation name. i guess 'catherine' was abit too common, (no offence! i have beautiful friends named catherine!) and my liking of the story too sadistic. for those who dont know, saint catherine of alexandria, the one i wanted to base my name on, was tortured by a king who was killing all the christians. however, he wanted to spare her; on the basis that she marry him. duh, she refused. so he tortured her on a spiked wheel. thus, now called the catherine wheel.

graphic?

yes, maybe a little too sadistic, with not much meaning for me besides the fact that i think its cool. uhhuhhhh? haha. anyways, saint isidora, the one i want now (im changing thei to a. so isadora), here's the story:

In the Egyptian convent of Tabennisi, there was a humble nun named Isidora who used an old dishrag to veil her head. The other sisters, lacking charity, deemed her an ignorant fool, relegating to her the lowliest chores, treating her with contempt, going so far as to play cruel tricks upon her. Isidora suffered these things without complaint. One day, the nuns received a visit from the hermit Saint Pitirim. In a vision, an angel had told him to go to the convent, explaining, “There you shall find an elect vessel full of the grace of God, and you shall know her by the crown that shines above her head.” After recounting the vision, Pitirim asked to see all the nuns. It was only when Isidora arrived that the hermit finally saw the aforesaid crown, a ring of light round about the lowly nun’s rag-veiled head. Pitirim thereupon fell at her feet, to which she responded by asking for his blessing. Repenting of their past conduct, the other nuns now began to honor and revere Isidora as a saint in their midst. To escape this adulation, Isidora left to spend the rest of her life as a hermitess.

humility. thats something i have to learn as well. and generousity. ahahaha. meaning of the name is: gift from the moon. sooo greek mythology. haha. i loveee greek mythology. hahahaha. fate?

i have no idea what to rant about):

another day by dream theatre

2007-04-09T17:58:00.000+08:00

The coldness of his words, the message in his silence; face the candle to the wind. This distance in my voice, isn't leaving you a choice? So if you're looking for a time to run away...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDRE! :D

my blog has been depressing, i know. so, i shall try and lighten up.

omgosh, i think i'm love. he's so cute, so sweet and so CARING! he's absolutely purrfect! hahaha. too bad he's 5. hahaha. ooh jarrod my precious lil' nephew i love youuu!! hahaha :D

he's a PHOTOGRAPHER okay. and he has good taste in phones, guys and names kay! haha. he adores my phone, and he pointed at the good lookin' guys in my photos =D and his fav name is mikaela. or however you spell it. (pronouced: mi-care-lah.) oh damn he's my PRECIOUS!<3

pooop.
i feel like poop. i'm sick, yet again. owing to veryveryvery little sleep. i had a six hour nap today, and thats the longest i've slept in a very long time. undisturbed sleep, too. and it felt good. damn ive forgotten how good it is to sleep. left school even before lessons started, i really couldnt take it. thank goodness i feel hella better.

got mc again for tomorrow, doc says i need the rest. damn if i dont agree. i wont mind sleeping the whole day. then again, i'll be super bored. i just realised, the doctor plays the same mr bean DVD over and over again. HAHAHA. its damn funny lah. i always end up watching the same episode. i should have realised earlier. yay! ponstan;painkillers!

oh im watching the news now. they're talking about the 'singapore flyer'. some cheem shit for the ultra ferris wheel. hello, whatever? hahaha. we're still gonna recognise it as a ferris wheel. might as well build a carnival around it.

something i've wanted to blog about for a very long time:
what is the meaning of life?

my answer to that question always changes, over time. i remember, last year it was: life is what you make it. now, the idea of that previous answer is still there. but its still kinda different.

life, to me now, is still what you make it. but the question should be different. it should be: what is YOUR meaning of life. life to me, is what you make it. if you chose to use it for better, or for worse. that would be your own personal choice. you can chose to make use of the oppurtunities given to you, or you can chose to ignore them. what you do is what defines your life. only after your life is over, then can you define what YOUR meaning of life was.

on a general scale, life is something sacred. something given to you that can be taken back. its how many times you make someone smile, rather than cry. its how many time you're a shoulder to cry on for people, rather than their reason to. its how many people you love, not how many that love you back. its the positive rather than the negative. its what you mean to this world, that defines your meaning of life.

does that make sense?

thanks to ethelbert jacob darren and ryan po. i swear, i really think i'm going crazy. but thanks for giving me that little bit of sanity back, something to focus on. you guys saved me.

i know yer always gonna be there. forever. coz same goes for me. and im glad you kow im not ready yet, love!

i have a friend. i know she's alwaysalways gonna be there. i can always come home to the comfort that her arms will always be open for me. no matter what. but the most amazing thing about this friend of mine, is that she listens. she shuts up and listens. she never talks. she listens.

her name? charisse.
my preciouse precious tiger.

lets see who wishes me well.

hey precious!(:
<3!

2007-04-08T23:13:00.000+08:00

i dont feel like a song today.

i feel like my whole world just came crashing down on me. easter mass today was good, real good. i emerged with a sense of peace and joy that stuck, till now. even during the fam gathering! amazing, okay. maybe i was just drunk,from a coke and kahlua high. maybe i was oblivious to my pain.

but it was great while it lasted?

i cant say anything about the way i feel. i dont know how to put it in words, other than the previous posts i've already typed. only, one more thing.

i am now truly alone.

come what may by ewan mcgregor & nicole kidman

2007-04-08T01:40:00.000+08:00

Never knew I could feel like this, like I've never seen the sky before. Want to vanish inside your kiss, every day I love you more and more. Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing? Telling to give you everything! Seasons may change, winter to spring, but I love you until the end of time.

aw i love this song!

today was a draggy day. made my CHOCOLATES![x damn nice alright! hahah. i just ate one (: (: watched the prestige. mum and dad were hella confused thru the whole thing man!

rushed off to church, was late. hahaah. thought i'd be alone for the whole of easter vigil,but managed to sit with perry, jerome/mcspicy, josceline and all. yupps. attack of the headaches struck halfway thru luh! haha. when everyone had blew out their candles me and jeromes ones were still lit =D we were hiding from the rest man!

but i blew his out xD

hahahaha. but i was nice kay!i let him use mine to light his, but he blew mine out!!! hurrr. haha. helped out with the collection of candle holders after. im goood. and im hungry. hahahaha. hung around a bit after that.

it was great being surrounded by so many people! feel loads better coz of that! haha. gonna end here. i wanna do hist. and then sleep. mass tomorrow! cant wait!<3

poooop. the family's coming over tomorrow, and im sorta dreading it. only, i cant wait t see juz, nick, carol jie, my godpa and the kids :D espec juz. heh heh heh(: need to catch up with my darlin' cousin! haha. i wonder if there's a jam session...? my skills are SO rusty. okay, non-existent skills.

oh. it feels weird to end off w/o a song.

2007-04-07T00:35:00.000+08:00

ignore this. im ranting. it makes me feel better.

what the hell, okay? what do you all want me to say? what do you want me to do? cant you all realise that i cant read your minds, that im not perfect, and that yes im immature. so dont expect me to be anything but me? im NOT the perfect friend, daughter, girlfriend. whatever. im me. if you expect me to be perfect; THEN FUCK OFF. if you expect me to be exactly as you want; THEN FUCK OFF.

IVE BEEN FEELING LIKE CRAP ALL THE TIME LATELY. and what amazes me is that not one of my bestfriends can see it, in my eyes. people who've known me for less than three months can see it. they can straightaway go: whats up, sarah? whats wrong?

what about my five bestfriends? its only when im bloody emo that people ask if im okay. oh dont get me wrong, i appreciate it. from anyone else i appreciate it alotalot more. but, hello? when im screaming happy and laughing, in my eyes its there. its even more obvious now, this year. so obvious that so many people know.

except you.

yes, this post is kinda about me feeling like crap so IGNORE IT.

i accepted it as MY FAULT, and its not shit excuses im giving. how the hell would you know if they are, anyway? do you know the real reason? and hello, you dont understand her. what the fuck, okay. i know i dont either. but i know more.

no one has the right to say "oh i understand blahblah completely.!" or even any part at all. how the hell would ANYONE understand another person?! hell, you only would be able to do that if you were in his/her mind. you dont THINK the same way you dont REACT the same way. how can you expect to UNDERSTAND that person?

its human nature to expect things to go your way. i do too. but if i can say that i dont understand anyone, if i can realise that, i dont see why anyone else cant.

oh gosh, im soo pissed. i say things i dont mean when im pissed. so i seriously hope that you all dont take this so seriously.

another thing, to another person, is that yes, i'm sorry. i know how much you trusted me, because i trust you that much too. i was confused about alot of things, letting it out was the only as i could think straight. however, thats an excuse not a reason. im covering up. i admit that i was terribly horribly wrong and im extremely totally sorry its gonna take a long while for you to forgive me, but yes, i deserve it. there;s nothing really else i can say here, anyway.

i feel like crap, okay? why no one notices or cares well, i guess i dont deserve it. but i just wishpeople would understand that i can NEVER be up to their standards. that would just be a carbon copy of that person luh. i may be guilty of alot of these things, but at least i realise my mistakes. to me, thats a step in moving towards changing, or rather, improving. change aint at all easy, sometimes impossible.

maybe i'm feeling way too lonely lately, i dont know. my heart's longing for more than what i deserve, and alot more than i have. it just isnt the same, and that time was special.alot more special than anything else before. is it wrong to want something that i dont deserve, to want something thats wrong for me to have?

rahhhhhhh. i guess, you know, loneliness sets in. incompetence, demoralizing shit. its hard to see girls&guys together, a close knit bunch of friends, and im walking behind, or trying to join in without much success. its pretty..... heart-wrenching to say the least.

okay, well now having calmed down let me say that im sorry, and that i really am. letting my emotions control my actions is a weak point in me, i know. but im really sorry! ranting makes us all feel better, i know. natural thing. i dont thing its wrong, if its meant harmlessly. but yes, everything is all okay now. I LOVE YOU!<3

rah. but cant help but feel so bloody alone. i had no one there beside me.

wild world by cat stevens

2007-04-06T23:39:00.000+08:00

Now that I've lost everything to you,
you say you want to start something new,
and it's breaking my heart you're leaving,
baby I'm grieving.

But if you wanna leave take good care,
hope you have a lot of nice things to wear,
but then a lot of nice things turn bad out there.

Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
it's hard to get by just upon a smile.
Oh baby baby it's a wild world.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAREST BROTHER!(:
yes, okay :D

changing lyrics to grey.
having that song stuck in your head is not healthy, i swear. this is like, return of the past man! alannah myles, the black crowes, cat stevens, etta james. what next, charley patton?? haha. thats from the '30s man!!!

anyways.
good friday service was.... distracting to say the least. standing up makes me damn bloody restless, and my mind was focused on the pain in the soles of my feet rather than my Lord's passion. the feeling wasnt there, and i only have myself to blame.

i saw eugene's new hairstyle! :D

lunched with cally, his wife, boomy, his wife and baby girl; danielle, jeremy, darren and pauline. I FELT YOUNG, i tell you!. not a very nice feeling, actually.

managed to catch meet the robinsons with ruthBEST!, darren and jeremy. it was okay, funny. but not enough impact on me.

what i say next, is gonna shock someone. so, i hope you understand that this is the only way i can let it out. and this is me being very frank.

highlight of the day:
meeting jeff.

i havent seen him in TWO MONTHS. we ran into keenan at ljs, he was like. ooh, who's that. yada yada. the shit guys do, you know. keenan, about jeff; i mean. loll. had dinner, and then headed down to novena to buy mums stuff. couldnt find it, so we went to united. thanks dearest jeff, for staying with me the whole time even though you wanted to watch a movie(: and for sending me off, yes. i love you!

we really really talked alot. and i enjoyed every single moment of it. jeff you might not see this, but you really pulled my mood up. seeing you, my bestf, the one person whom i know will forever be there (besides family luh.) no matter what shit we've gone thru is the absolute comfort. we can always talk about everything under the sun, and you really really are the best.

PHANIDAAA!(:
omgosh, she rocksss! hahaha. we're suddenly back in contact again! haha. her parents and my parents were really good friends in the past, and me & her used to spend alot of time together as kids. years ago. hahaha. we're meeting up soon,yes :D haha. its gonna be awesome. i really cant wait, for some reason. im not complaining, though! sending her a testimonial was a great idea.

ah okay, im done.

buried myself alive by the used.

2007-04-06T00:08:00.000+08:00

Well this time I'm not going to watch myself die, I think I made it a game to play your game, and let myself cry. I buried myself alive on the inside, so I could shut you out, and let you go away for a long time.

i realise i was only ever truly happy with you.

hello, emo songs.

this was supposed to be a long post, but im currently suffering from the two things that i always complain about. plus, im really pissed off with herr. no best, it aint you dont worry(: like, wtf, okay! i dont know WHAT gave you the idea, that apparently, my social life revolves around the times you call me when you are desperate for plans. whatever, okay?

tell school to go screw itself upside down.

met best! after school :D had lunch at pastamania; j8, where joshua was working. he looked so POKK i tell you. hahaha. then we went to town and got my pouch. yay, its super nice!(: lovelovelove it!

rushed home. showered, changed and got to church. haha. CYF CHURCH VISITATION! they went to our lady star of the sea! damn): my old church. hahaha. us sec3s has seder meal instead. i didnt find it as meaningful and special as the one at CYF camp '07. this one seemed to be taken so lightly by my peers. and the atmosphere was so... electric. with nonstop chatter and conversation. not with reflection and prayer. it wasnt a special event for me, ALOT of conversation spoilt it.

i talked too, of course. with sarah yap(: but only after realising that this was not going to be as meaningful as the previous one. also, there wasnt washing of feet and affirmation. those were the highlights! i guess, if these had been included, everything would have changed.

ehmagosh, i saw justin.

oh and apparently. keenan didnt know that i was 15 :D haha. i met KENNETH! another kenneth! haha. omgosh, so many okay! hahaha. i think i freaked him out, but he freaked me out too. he looks bloody like loserfuck. hahaha. scary, omgosh. haha.

diana wanted to go macs opposite, coz of her leg, but we went to LJS;enter instead. only to find it CLOSED. haha. pooooor diana! get well soon babe(:

bah. home. i got freaked out by a black cat. was afraid it would turn into a monster and then kill me or someth. i even got scared at my own frigging shadow! hahahaha. shawn! i miss you sending me homeee):

my mood has been killed.
damn.

did i lose you too?

Black Velvet by Alannah Myles

2007-04-04T23:05:00.000+08:00

The sun is settin' like molasses in the sky.
The boy could sing, knew how to move, everything.
Always wanting more, he'd leave you longing for.

Black velvet in that little boy's smile.
Black velvet with that slow southern style.
A new religion that'll bring ya to your knees.
Black velvet if you please.

Up in Memphis the music's like a heatwave.
White lightning, bound to drive you wild.
Mama's baby's in the heart of every school girl.
"Love me tender" leaves 'em cryin' in the aisle.
The way he moved, it was a sin, so sweet and true.
Always wanting more, he'd leave you longing for.

i find myself veering back towards jazz and blues. mm mm yeaahhh(:

i shall not talk about school today.

session on tuesday was waay bettter than i contemplated. alot of stuff came pouring out, and alot of.... sharing too. i realise that she can always pull be back on course, make me see two sides of the coin and yet always makes me feel better. deciding to go for sessions was a good thing, on my part.lets hope it helps the self esteem.

i need to start sleeping earlier. either that, or a prescription of strong painkillers. headaches and migraines are becoming a daily occurence, one haunted me for most of the day today. i felt like taking a drill and drilling the fcuking thing OUT OF MY HEAD. then again its probably already built a bloody condominium in there, with all the pounding. heck, a city for all i would know!

hah. city in sarah's head. how demented would that be.

okay, back on course. i got frustrated with art. still am frustrated with it. am preparing for a huge shelling next week, but hey whatever. i tried.

was contemplating going to church, but on my out from school joanne asked me to meet her, so okay. we bought her GUCCI ENVY ME scent. but it was the tiny bottle. haha. i bought a bottle of gorgeous orange! nail polish and my phone pouch. and had lunch of what, two cheesy hot dogs? GOT PROMOTION! two for the price of one. omgosh, SO worth it :D haha.

i dont really have much to say today, but i hope tomorrow i'll be better. PHYSICALLY, i mean. haha. both headache and body ache wise. im SO the pathetic, i know.

what a cynical post.

i'd rather go blind by etta james.

2007-04-03T23:33:00.000+08:00

I was just sitting here thinking of your kisses and your warm embrace, yeah. When the reflection in the glass that I held to my lips now baby, revealed the tears that was on my face, yeah. And baby, baby, I would rather be blind boy; than to see you walk away.

very nice jazz artist(:

im soooo tired. so this gonna ultra quick.

i forgot to bring my art board today, i have NO IDEA where it is, so im doing art in school tomorrow. -rolls eyes- probably after school, cuz i doubt i'll get another extension. so dead. so gotta skip th tuition session at FTPPS. hope everything goes fine.

school sucked, as usual.

though thanks to dearest EUNICE i kinda know how to do double entry for accounts :D though i still hate it t the core, thanks much babe!

you know, i was buying my food at ban mian, then i told the lady roasted meat rice. i even pointed to the roasted meat. you know, PORK? and she said okay. when i got to church, IT WAS DUCK RICE.

thanks darren and mags for getting me potato wedges :D

according to sebastian, i am an expert at accleration. or rather retardation. a natural, in fact. and him and darren, both LOVE to bully me. i really am bully-able. hahaha. a form of entertainment i think. discussing my blurness and bimboness. yesyes, whatever.

best! came!<3

greg taught me physics; FREE FALL!so cool okay! i understand everything already. hahaha. mostly, thanks dude! we both were suppossed to leave together but noooo he was playing game. hahaha :D

tuition was unexpectedly good today. i learned hello loads of stuff,and i'm totally ready for tomorrow's pythagorus's theorem/trigo test. woohoo. conquer!

i wanna get CHARISSE at my con name. but there aint no such saint): ah wells. haha. ohoh, patron saint for music is CECILIA. cute eh? haha =DD

sleeeeeeeeep!

mags! cheer up laaa(:
ryan! smile, okay! yer freaking me out!

Hard to Handle by The Black Crowes

2007-04-02T22:16:00.000+08:00

Boys and things that come by the dozen, that ain't nothin' but drugstore lovin'. Pretty little thing let me light your candle, 'cause mama I'm so hard to handle now, yes I am.

so im blogging again.

just wanted to say:

THE MIO THINGY IS SO DAMN CUTE!

i just find it cute, idontknowwhy, but i do. haha. oh gosh a bloody car alarm went off, giving me a damn headache. me and lester are currently discussing songs :D we keep sending each other the lyrics from hard to handle or she talks to angels by the black crowes. he cant get over the fact that i listen to 'em. he told boomy, that a 15 year old listens to them, he's in SHOCK. haha. but boomy knows me, so yeaaah(:

proud laa. thanks to my cousins man! haha.

thanks for the songs ruth, debra, jerome/mcspicy, jeremiah and gwen. yeapps(: i think i forgot someone. oops? hur.

currently filing up english. better get back to that.

when love & hate collide by def leppard

2007-04-02T18:20:00.000+08:00

I can tell a million lies, it would come as no surprise. When the truth is like a stranger, it hits you right between the eyes.

HELLO!(:
im back at blogger, omgosh YES. haha. xanga is SO hard to use, i swear, bloody complicated. rahhhh! besides, mum couldnt understand shit! haha.

so yes, im back.

sunday was a lazy day. yes, and today annoyed me. i forgot i had late day, so yes. SCREAMS. and i havent filed up my maths stuff yet. there's still thousands to go, and ENGLISH. plus, a bio test tomorrow. and im researching on history. righttt. plus, a maths test on pythagoras theorem and trigo on wednesday. surely no problems, but i'll have junjie go through with me tomorrow. so i'll do english filing and bio after this =D

ehmagosh, i just planned my whole study timetable. HAHA. i gotta learn to relax. yes, whatever.

art was a PAIN. primed our huge boards, only to mess up the floor. so i was scrubbing and crys was washing and this girl was standing there refusing to get a mop for us. like, HEY HELLO?! move yer ass please! gosh, i know she was sick with a bad cold, but i asked her to GET a mop. not go mop the whole bloody school. honestly.

but after some prodding she did, yes, thank you.

rahhh. cut my hair today (: (: (: FINALLY. i didnt get the style i wanted, coz apparently my hair is too short. but did my fringe and the front. its shorter. but really nice! and so was my stylist; edison, i think. hahah.omgosh he's damn nice(: he's 168cm and 47kg. i felt like a WHALE. haha. see, we exchanged body proportions :D well, i didnt give my height. he's nice yo [:

ruth&joshua got me my waffles, thanks you![x

went to church to study, RAHHH. i'll never cover chap5 in time for tomorrow. ah well, i surrender myself to my faint. cant be that bad, i still remember some stuff about enzymes.

i forgot to bring physics book home -.-

mummy say cannot go church so much anymore. MUM READ THIS! i cried when you said that okay! i'll prove to you with my marks. trust me, i can do it!

ruth and i were discussing, the meaning of being to young to die. i guess, after thinking, i define it on the experiences you have had. being not even 15, there's so many things i wanna do. i wanna perform in front of a live audience, i wanna ace a joe satriani guit solo with my dream bonnie raitt custom fender strat, i wanna see the world; be a journalist!, i wanna fall in love with someone forever; something real, i want my chance to shine. so i guess i AM still young. too young to die.(:

i love convos like that. so meaningful!

time to update ipod and phone people! SEE YA =D

ZACH!;strattt[x

i just wanna hear those three words from you again, is that so wrong?

I look Upon your Hill by Seven Places

2007-04-01T00:19:00.000+08:00

I look upon Your hill
Your broken body hanging still
Your blood drips down
Your face and brow
You brought me life through death
No greater Love than this

[Chorus:]
Surely He's borne our grief
Carried our sorrow
Though we've gone astray
It's by His stripes and wounds
We were healed
On that glorious day.

Oh Lord, You've worn the crown
I've placed upon Your head
Oh Lord, I've pierced Your hands
Yet Your blood declares my innocence

[Chorus]

well, hello(:

am feeling better. still shit, but better. hurhur. i shall with thanks, coz i owe it to alot of people.

vienna and jeremy tan; hey thanks loadsloads for noticing my mood(: i cant believe you guys even heard me cry during class! that was freaky, haha. but yupp, thanks for being there too
mummy; yay, i love you(:

shawn; it was great talking to you last night. the big long chat we had. the most serious one i think i've ever had with you. i agree we've been drifting apart. what with you being so busy and i having too tight a schedule. we hardly get to talk over the phone, let alone meet. i bet your letter's gonna stay with me for a long time.haha[: but yes, we've had a wonderful friendship, a wonderful time together. all the times you sent me home, cheered me up, was there, all i can say is thank you, from the bottom of my heart. poly's starting, friend. time to move separate ways, i guess.ilu!

jeffrey; gosh ILOVEYOU. you called at the right time, and it was great just telling you everything, having you listen. i guess you learned alot about me too huh? that having a great family doesnt neccesarily mean my life is perfect. thanks so so much.
lester; again, haha. but a short one. thanks so so so much for talking to me yesterday, and clearing my doubts. it really did help(:
joshua; thanks for listening, and heeding my instructions or whatever. i was pretty cynical at that time.
samuel; unexpected eh. but yes thanks. i needed that vent session.

to aaron and willy; you guys dont know but you kept me from crying this evening(: thanks really alot!

its alot of thank yous huh.. hmm you know, i never realised so many people noticed or cared. i still like to wonder, when i die, who will be at my funeral? my mood is JADED. hurhur.

i got new contacts[x

church today, was wonderful. thoughts of everything escape me for that one and a half hours. and i just the awesome presence of God, and i know, everything will be okay. it always will be, put my trust in God, and everything will be okay. He probably has a greater purpose for me anyway, His will be done. mmhmmm.[: mass is so amazing okay! i cant wait for easter vigil.

but when you get down to it, im still feeling like crap. okay so whatever, i guess? i cant wait for confirmation too. one of the most important things in my life. still in the midst of choosing a confi name. hur.

the lyrics above, i look upon your hill, they really speak to me. and the song was like, on repeat mode in my head during the whole. its special, it really is.

i wonder, how many people ask if you're okay because they're obligated to?

i shall end here, i have nothing else much to say anyway. but thank you, and goodnight(:

Curses by Bullet for my Valentine

2007-03-31T01:40:00.000+08:00

The more I think the more I wish I pushed stop, then hit rewind. What i would give to have or take back then, when no-one really cares. I remember when we all used to kick back, and take days off school.

song i can really relate at the moment.

so i lied. i'm not really okay, i was crying and i am crying. but it wasnt just that. it was the huge blow it gave to my self esteem, and well. other stuff did too. i just realised, im so selfish, heartless and insensitive. i cant even feel for others!

that explains it, yeah?

my problems are so small compared to other peoples, and yet i cry over mine. how selfish is that? you know, even phantom of the opera is demoralizing. stupid self esteem.

it was good thou, phantom. christine was waaay to operatic, and the phantom was a bit the wimpy at some scenes. over all it was pretty good, enjoyable. effects, for a stage musical was good. but kind of limited ithough, and the pathway between seats REALLY narrow.

songs were good, of course. pure classics.

okay, so i really am not in the mood t blog. i want to stay home and sleep in tomorrow. not do anything,and just lie in bed and cry. but thats not possible, and part of me is really looking forward to church. just the feeling of stepping there will make me feel loads better. its the only thing that works, nowadays.

but there's that stupid fucking connection.

whatever. i miss church. i NEED church. oh damn, i wish i was there now. i dont wanna see anyone tomorow. i'd probably just cry like frigging crazy.

im sorry i lied, best. but im not pissed.

how am i supposed to describe how i feel? confused? hurt? demoralized? worthless? depressed? betrayed? I DONT KNOW. its weird. this is the 3rd time i've cried so hard over such a situation; guy. and there's the CONNECTION again.

hur. okay ignore this post. it was just my outlet. of course, im insignificant. there's more important people out there.

jacob, thanks dude. it was a really long chat that was really appreciated.
darren, thanks for staying out therewith me, and making me laugh(:
lester, thanks for noticing. its more than others can say(:

goodnight, and goodbye, world.

Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts

2007-03-28T23:04:00.000+08:00

I set out on a narrow way many years ago, hoping I would find true love along the broken road. But I got lost a time or two, wiped my brow and kept pushing through. I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you.

MUMMY!
i edited the font alr. bigger! can see? =D haha.

todays competition was pretty okay i guess. everyone played not bad. haha. i can cheer&scream now! :D hahaha. sore throat is still here but ya know, screw it? haha.

went back to school in time for PC and assembly. yada yada. boring. cabbed down to FTPSS with ms ratulangi paying, haha. THANKS! weird thou? yeah, cause it was raining!! loll. four dollars only laa. then we had games with the kids.

i was game i/c.
impromptu.

i did a horrible job, if i may say so myself. the kids were riotous, restless and absolutely hyper active. loll. but all my group mates didnt blame me, sweeeeet(: we didnt plan the line up of the games and none of the kids listened. horrible.

went to church after, and did work. lots and lots and lots of work. wow, okay! hahaha. one whole stack of worksheets pls! haha. at one point i was sitting outside, head between my legs, you know. thinking. then jerome/mcspicy had just come back from the loo, so he was like, bending down staring at me. for about 30 seconds apparently. then i looked up and screamed. hahaha. thanks for bothering to stay with me that while, jerome(:

mass, which i didnt go for. then dinnerrr :D haha. carol&joachim were discussing mustard seed priorities, while i listened and tried to keep up. haha. me and josceline shared salted fish fried rice. it was gooood. but alot smaller than expected. haha. so i was still hungry! ate at home after anyway.

me, andrew, josceline&mcspicy went to interchange popular after that. hung around waiting for andrew to buy his stuff but noooooo. he didnt. haha. its cool, friend((: then they wanted to go kiddie palace, for the sake of just going there, but they didnt. CAUSE I HAD TO LEAVE. ehmagosh, i felt damn baaaad! haha. i owe you guys, especially josceline. thanks much kaykay! :DD

im so tired. lucky there's no english and maths tomorrow. i'll get JJ t help me with maths, and english filing i'll complete tomorrow. hahaha. i'm always tired lately. been really really busy, and im still wondering if commiting to FTPSS tuition was actually the right thing to do.

HEY. the CIP hours im clocking in, and hopefully a close bond with the kids, it'll be worth it in the end. NYAA award, hello(:

shit. i really need to work hard.

okay, off to check out my friends composition, and prepare english filing and POA to study tomorrow. yeeaaaahs.

GOODNIGHT PEOPLE!(:

thanks best&jacob!

At the Stars by Better than Ezra

2007-03-27T21:43:00.000+08:00

blame us because we are who we are; hate us because you'll never get that far. and who'd you suppose would go? i've already learned enough to know.

i'm changing the way i blog. song title, on the header, and lyrics right on top of the post. woohoo. a new change.

new layout =D

okay.

blogging, again. haha. im so tired, i only managed two hours of sleep last night due to a project. but i shall not comment on that. a bit too pissed on that aspect, plus, no sleep gave me a horrible headache today.

monday didnt really lead up to my expectations. I NEARLY DIED, I SWEAR. having my alarm ring an hour late, at the exact moment my teacher came, was definitely horrifying. i managed to get thru my pieces and scales for some miraculous reason.and yes ended up late in meeting seb. and crossing the road, at the traffic light with the green man flashing, i nearly got banged down.

yes, we had prata.

swee lee's was fun. kinda. drooled over all the strats, and music books there kinda got me thinking that i NEED TO PICK UP THE SAXAPHONE. its such a beautiful instrument. th way it blends with a guitar, and the bluesy tone it emits. ehmagosh. gorgeous. i need to learn that instrument.

rightttt, in what lifetime. im SO busy nowadays.

met ruth at tanah merah after that, and we bused down to TP. she left pretty early thou, so i managed to get some studying done before dinner and then penitential. andrew's a realy nice person to talk to, i noticed(: i didnt think that talking to him would be so enlightening and interesting, but yes it definitely was.

i joined mustard seed =D
hahaha. ecstasy. thanks Carol! great way for me to serve God, and get the exposure i need.

thanks stefanie for sending me to the busstop =D haha

i'm not gonna blog about today. it's been a horrible day. alot of shocks decided to come at me at one go, and if i may say so myself, i think i'm dealing quite well. only, they're being shoved in my face again. ah well. what can i do, this is probably my penance.

thanks lester, for the chat yesterday. you were the only who noticed and bothered. its something i have to change, i agree. but these things take time and practise. thanks much, though(:

ruth, cheer up best! :D we're all here for you.

i should probably end here. not on a good note though. it wasnt meant to be a happy post.

peace out.

why are you so fucking non-chalent?

2007-03-25T22:31:00.000+08:00

OHMYGOSH.
im so exhausted and i still have to blog about yesterday and today. my moods been prettydown lately, i find that when im with people im totally fine, but when i'm alone... HUR.

yesterday, after class and mass, had dinner with seb, darren, joceline, ruth and lester. great fun, great company. and ethelbert said im not a bimbo! YESS! thank you! omgosh, i love you! haha :D

lester says: do you know how many chillies died coz of you? SAVE THE CHILLIES MAN!

i can imagine him as some hippie, going around wearing psychedelic colours screaming save the whales and stuff. or maybe save the potatoes. well, back when he had the long hair and goatee. HAHA! :D im mean. lolll. coz duringdinner, darren took loads of satchets (i call it satchayyy. you know, like ballet; ballayyy!) of chilli sauce, only to be wasted when the uncle threw them away. which resulted in lesters hippie moment. PEACE, MAN! LETS TAKE A HIT! [x

hugs are really great when you're feeling down,
i realise. peace be with you during mass is such a wonderful time(:

they all wentoff to LAN while me and ruth took bus 31 down. she got off at parkway for her bubble tea (yes! what a ridiculous reason!) while i went off to tanah merah mrt. so long okay! but i had chocolate with me :D oh gosh, i make it sound like a person. haha. ritter sport, cornflake chocoate :D OH ANYWAY, mum and dad fetched me from there. yes what a waste. but i loved the long bus ride. ruth was sleeping, so i just read my book and reminisced. hm.

yes, i miss those long bus rides.

today was a laze around day. kind of? went for mass, where i sat alone upstairs. but it was enjoyable. saw nadya and jerome/mcspicy at the choir loft. HELLO![: went for lunch after that with felicia, greg, APY, and addison. it was fun(: they all left except greg, and after getting my project stuff from saint francis and then headed off t junction 8. got myice cream, walked around aimlessly. yada yada. thanks for sending me home mortal :D

still feeling kinda crappy, even after the chat with jeremy. but hey, whatever yeah? company make me feel a whole lotbetter. im looking forward to tomorrow. seb; prata :D! ruth; bestfriend! church; penitential service! its sounding like a pretty good day. i only pray my mood improves.

i just read your letters again.
obviously, your forever never came true.
shit.
i find myself missing waayyy too much right now.
so maybe a part of me still loves you.

But still Penny and I are all alone beneath the sky, feel the wind rushing slowly by. If I could soar I would try, to take these wings and fly away to where the leaves turn red. But no matter where I am instead, singing along to feeling alright (yeah).
penny and me.
hanson.

thanks seb for the song :D

jeremy; thanks for the talk dude(:
jacob; cheer up dude! there aint nothing wrong with the world!

mum says i thank people too much??

2007-03-24T11:52:00.000+08:00

you took my heart away, mltr. keeps repeating on my ipod.
hmm?

EHMAAGOSH.
i blogged yesterday but then couldnt post.omgosh so annoying okay! hahaha. i sound so bimbo. shittt. i think after everyone claims im a bimbo, yes CLAIMS, i tend to act more like one; but i admit i have bimbotic tendencies. sighhh. haha.

i find myself obsessed with GREEN! today [x

yesterday. hms. had tuition in the morning, biology, then went for competition. NO ONE CAME DOWN TO SUPPORT, OMGOSH. so baddd. i mean, besides the bowling team. haha. my angel did well, yes mags? :D i think overall everyone did quite good laa. thanks mcspicy and darren lim for keeping me company over sms =D

HOPE YER OKAY; PANYA! FORGET TH BASTARD KAY!

ruth and joshua came down.

three of us; ruth, mags, me; went for dinner while josh went back to church. ate at causeway, ljs. and we almost went down t admiralty to see samuel, but changed our minds at the last minute. wanted to bus down to TP, since they all wanted to sleep on the bus, but lo and behold. no direct bus. lolll. so trained down. both of them slept luh. haha :D

session was fun. haha. debate!we were split up into 6 groups and had to tackle 3 different points. abortion, human cloning and homosexuality. my group, group fiiiivvvveeee did homosexuality. and i was the second speaker for the debate omgosh. haha. went against ruth! best! haha. fucking nervous okay!but sooo funn. and louis the manwhore was being an ass as usual. HAHA :D

our motion was that homosexuality IS acceptable. and guess what, we wonnnn :D
louis, janna, mcspicy/jerome, samantha, joachim.
so many Js, omgosh. we rock, okay! janna's pouch is so LOVE! haha. but i still miss the SIMPSONS! haha [x from CYF camp 07.

after that we all headed off to macs, then ruth left. then we headed off to lorong five. omgosh, you stupid manwhore! haha. i whacked pretty hard then :D yes, satisfaction. jillian was supposed to walk me to the busstop, but keenan and kenneth did instead. ehmagoshh, you guys didnt have to. thanks much! for the company, for the laughs[: APPRECIATED!

omgosh, me and seb are arguing over my bimbo-ness. such a ahh... bimbo thing to do. HAHA!
admit it seb, we're BOTH bimbos! okay, we both have the tendencies. haha. monday, swee lee's. see you then! [x

yulica! lets pray and hope that it aint true, okay? but dont worry. you'll always have me around
vivian! im glad that tjl did everything in her power to stop it from happening. glad it worked too, LOVE YOU GIRLIE!
shawn! yes you cockanehneh! YESYESYES! hahaha. happy?
ruth! cheer up babe! i cant stand to see you in such a state. forget him, okay? if life pushes you back down you've always got me to fall back upon.
ryan! thanks much, i owe you.
mcspicy/jerome! yes i really really want NYDC!
maryanne! WOMAN! meet up soon(:
nigel! congrats on getting into CJC. i think youknowwho is there. but anyways, meet up soon!
jacob! thanks for talking to me, and for always understanding me(:

something that i should have blogged about long ago:
my and my grandmother (dads side) have never had a very close relationship. wheneve we went to see each other, it was a kiss hello, "oh im praying for you!" and a goodbye and a "work hard!" "take care!". more of a, family accquaintance if you will. even when she stays over at my house, its about same.on a more 24 hour basis.

but the other day, i managed to sit down and talk to her. or rather listen to her. what happened in the past.. her deceased friends and relatives.i managed to get the basic gist of her story, she ahh. hasnt been much of a conversationalist nowadays. owing to her age.. but the effort is there. i dont think my grandmother has ever really said i love you to me. and hearing from my dad, that she wasnt really the type of mother who listens to your problems and lets you rant on and comforts you about them.

so imagine my surprise when she said i love you that day when i was leaving the house.

i could tell it was the sincere real thing.. dont ask how.. it was feeling. and those three really made me feel so happy. and the days that im not in school? she gives me a good morning kiss. i guess im really appreciating my grandmother now, like i never did before.i always used to wonder how much grief i'd carry when she.... leaves. the grief coz she's not around, or the regret that i didnt love as much as she deserved? but now i know i dont have to worry. im assured that she loves, and i love her. just as much, or even more(:

Well I'm half awake and half a world away, all my past mistakes and every mispent day; I wouldn't have it any other way. I'll try through my haze and half-shut eyes, to count up all the reasons whyI should be back at home tonight.
gainesville rock city.
less than jack.

for the record, im over you both[:

2007-03-22T22:16:00.000+08:00

-screams-
im so tired, i swear. haha. really bloody exhausted, and i should sleep. but SOME ASS is making me stay and keep him company. yes shawn. I LUBB LUBB EUU TOO! idiot. haha.

and guess what i have tuition 10am tomorrow. yes, its a holiday for us IJ girls tomorrow and monday. e-learning day.

sports day, was as usual a drag. though GREEN house won, of course. woohooooooo! was supposed t meet yulica and go together, but she's sick so, take care babe! I HEART YOU! contemplated going for morning mass, actually. but i ended up sleeping around 2, so waking up at 5 was really out of the question.

spent the earlier part of sports day sleeping. yeahh, ipod plugged in the ears, messaging. i fell asleep. haha. until mags was ever the sweetie and delivered milo, courtesy of my angel! LOVE YOU MAGS! haha. we spent alot of time together, talking shit about the guys we like and all. our taste in guys ROCK okay pls. haha =D

after that we wanted to go to the arcade, DAYTONA!!!!!! but nooo, they were renovating. rahh. hopefully got better games anyway :D too bad cant both of us cant join the CYF-ers for counterstrike and whatnoton saturday. ehmagosh; i sound like a freak gamer.

went up to saint francis to find ben the friend and andrew werev there [: andrew did a mug for me! it says:
third eye blind.

sarah's love.

on it. super the nice okay! ANDREW, I LOVE YOUUUU! haha. didnt really get much studying done, okay at all, till they left. managed to get in quite a bit after that.

talked to uncle john quite a bit, apparently he suspected that a lady was doing drugs in the church toilet; her son with her. she had been there for quite awhile.. i think about four hours when she finally left! gosh, and there was a weird cigarette-y acrylic smell. HAHA. plastic cigarettes. helps you quit immediatlly.

uncle john and i talked quite a bit today actu..about the practicallity of life and stuff.. and he said something to me that REALLY meant alot! i swear, it really pulled my mood up. damn alot! i could tell that it was sincere and heartfelt, and that made it and me feel oh-so special. omgosh, thank you! [x

joachim came. then i went t meet ryan, ruth, colin and jerome/mcspicy.

then me, ryan and mcspicy went back to church. and i studied like a crabbb. yes, crabs dont study. HAHA. basically messed around with mine and mcspicys ipod and talked. i disturbed him while he was doing work, so he didnt get the summary done! till after dinner. haha.

played jenga with diana, perry, joachim, mcspicy. while stella and icantrememberhisname watched. EHMAGOSH, damn fun kay. they kept screaming like girls, making me jump and pushing here and there. when perry purposely wanted to make th thingy drop i whacked his hand. and again and again. OH and i almost made mcspicy drop the thing when i forgot and slapped his hand. HAHA.

didnt go for mass, stayed in the room while they went. i read this extract from somewhere, okay it was probably the whole thing; bloody long, that i should actually recommend to BLANK. but hey since that;s all sorta over.......

then darren came! omgosh, he's SUCH a loser! hahahaha :D play jenga himself so fast already all the wooden pieces drop. hahaha. went for dinner afterwards, sat with jeremy/motherbear and joyceline. they're very entertaining; bickering you know. amusing. haha.

after that went back to the room t study somemore. thanks much for lending me yer ipod mcspicy :D omgosh, apple pie sounds so sweet okay! hahah (im apple pie!) then i played two rounds of jenga by myself and ended up losing one piece. but i found it on the chair anyway.

you know, walking on a deserted overhead bridge screaming out emo songs about heartbreak makes you feel better over it. today, i think, my heart got ripped out again.

thanks everyone for making today such a great day!<3

i'd better sleep before my eyes get bloodshot again.

No remorse cause I still remember, the smile when you tore me apart. You took my heart, deceived me right from the start. You showed me dreams, I wished they would turn into real. You broke the promise and made me realise, it was all just a lie.
angels.
within temptation.

mcspicy's ipod made me obsessed with this song. thanks ROVI for it!![:

oh those words are so true arent they?
heartbreak really sucks. and i heard what you said but you arent doing anything about it, whats kinda the point then?

ruth; good luck babe!(:

yulica; you promised! no worries for tonight, aye. i'll sort it out, we'll all sort it out. everything will be fine.

2007-03-20T22:46:00.000+08:00

UNINTENDED!
im so obsessed with that song, by muse. and lonestar by norah jones. notice th really huge difference between them both? haha.

todays been a day of ups and downs. which is kinda weirdd. lol. mood jumps up then down. but HUR. that stupid guy, whatsoEVERRR! haha. that sounds so bitchy, exactly the type of tone i wanted. haha. oh wells. he treats every girl like that apparently, so i feeel better alr. that ya know, im not alone. okay, maybe not the best thing to feel better about......?

competition was okay i guess. damn the stupid sorethroat, it was bloody boring cause i couldnt scream and cheer, which is really the highlight of the whole event. i spent the whole time messaging and messaging like crazy. and yes, the ipod permanently stuck into my ears. uncle billy thwacked me on my head luh, thought he was gonna scream at me. but he actually said sorry. in shock, yes.

messaged thousands of people today! managed to talk to jeremy seng and catch up with life. bowling, for some reason, is always a topic of conversation for us. guess it's basically where we both came from, our history together. well,, he's applying to get into temasek poly again for some business course. so good luck alright friend(:

messaged ethelbert quite a bit too. just talking about nothing much in particular. school, relationships. haha. we always get to that. but it was basically just saying that the single life rocks. and it does, indeed. though quoted from edwin: it lacks a partner. loll.

but what got me really thinking was when he asked hows life. yes, how IS life? life sucks sometimes, and life rocks sometimes. but in the end i dont ever wanna end it. sure, there are ruts and problems, but there are always the more amazing parts. i guess that question got me thinking. though its one thats been asked often, this is probably the first time i actually appreciated the full meaning of it. so thanks alot ethelbert :D for making me grow spiritually, emotionally and for keeping me company.

we should meet up soon yeas? =D

dad picked me up after, and dropped me home. =D

lunch with catherine, ruth and ryan before going church. haha. it was funny, me and ruth were discussing something , then catherine was like: YES I HEAR YOU! she agrees! haha. but its kinda true anyway. she's nice(: ive never seen her around school before. haha. gotta keep a look out!

studied accounts at church, i know the going concern concept know :D omgosh thats damn good for me already laa. haha. and i planned out my physics project =D because of the screwed up groups, im gonna do it alone and try t get an extension.

yeaaahs.

i almost broke down during mass.

and then after was even worse. RAHHH. im such a fool. lol. but im actually feeling alot better tonight. its all the talking and phone calls with people. the company.even just now, in the bus talking to rachel. i shared some stuff. it all just came pouring. yes, it's really all these amazing people. it's actually really, um. joyful. haha. so thanks to all these people, you may not know you pulled my mood up, but you did(:

ruth, shawn, mitch, jeremy lee, jeremy seng, ethelbert, greg, jerome, maryanne, yulica, gerald, diana, rachel, ryan, catherine, mags, willy, martin, amanda, jean san.

oh yes, i had a ten minute phone call with martin my guitar teacher just now! and we just took that time to have a small catch up session. i miss him so so much! the classes we have together are all so memorable(: its amazing that i have such a bond with my guitar 'cher. hey, he's amazing! :D

ohoh! doing research on euthanasia just now, i came across a stupid pissed-me-off website. GOSHH!
http://www.churchofeuthanasia.org/
their slogan is: save the world, kill yourself.
their commandment is: do not procreate.
and their principals are: sodomy, cannibalism, suicide, abortion.
it SO pissed me off, i swear.

and i read the lyrics to this songs which em, apparently gives people the urge to commit suicide. listened to it too. the like, "modern version." haha. but all i felt was what the fuck. haha. hey y Faith is stronggg(: woohoo. i would post th lyrics up here.. but HM. haha. ask me for th title and links if you want.

this is a really long post. hope it was enjoyable and not draggy and boring. haha
sarah<3

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one I'll always love

unintended.
muse.

2007-03-19T16:58:00.000+08:00

so i'm blogging again.
boredom does weird things to you.

ehmygosh! mum just bought home curry puff, and i cant eat! i tell you, thats SO depressing. last nights dinner was already painful but this is EXCRUCIATING. damn you mother! hahahaha =D

oh yay, chicken porridge =D

i wish i was one of those girls who when they're sick, cant eat a frigging bite. then i would have lost like, one million pounds already. damnnn): oh well. dont always get what i wish for. just gotta go on a crash diet, i guess?

yeahhh. and im craving venezia right now.

my hearts pretty heavy, and i think its SO pathetic that im so crazy over you. its a bloody hopeless case, i know. but, clinging on to something non-existent, i guess? you've barely contacted me today, and thats not a good sign. HELL, thats not even a sign. its a bloody billboard saying: give up sarah.

hur. i guess, even if there was hope.. you wouldnt fall for me. no matter what you said about personality i guess looks still play a big part. and yeah the figure shape. hurhur. crash diet, here i come.

oh no, i'll miss my chocolate and coke!

im actually hugging my tigers right now. haha. they make me feel better. they make me feel LOVED! okay, my best and family do too. but this is my TIGERS! cath, kea and charisse. i am SO in love with them! i wanna get a job at the zoo taking care of TIGERS! haha. yeah i think im giving up my nunnery prospects. it just aint my calling.

jj's currently sitting in the corner studying.

HEY PEOPLE! TMR'S THE NATIONAL BDIV! its early in the morning so i dont expect you to come down and support, BUT COME DOWN ON FRIDAY!
safra yishun, 1.30pm to 5pm.
wish us luck(:

okay well.
i guess i'll end here.

Guess mine is not the first heart broken, my eyes are not the first to cry. I'm not the first to know, there's just no gettin' over you. Hello, I'm just a fool who's willing to sit around and wait for you. But baby can't you see, there's nothin' else for me to do; I'm hopelessly devoted to you.
hopelessly devoted to you.
olivia newton john.

words can be so depressingly true sometimes.

2007-03-19T11:01:00.000+08:00

today, hasnt been the greatest day.
thats a quote from somewhere, a song, i just cant quite place it right now. OH.. perspective by seven places.. yes, nice song.

im at home right now, figuring out whatthehell to do for my physics project and reading up on euthanasia for my english project. being sick sucks. especially when you're sneezing like crazy and your body temp is a bit the haywire. when i turn off the fan, im cold yet im breaking out in cold sweat. and when i turn it on i feel hot & cold at the same time. GOSHH.

my mood decided to drop back down again.

didnt get enough sleep last night. got to bed around 930, the fan was on. but i kept waking up what, every half hour plus? and i had a recurring dream, that i was building a machine in my bed. that was freaky. in the end, some person bought over the whole machine, around uhh. 3am. coz that was when i switched on the aircon and got some decent sleep. yes i have weird dreams, i know.

I WANT CHICKEN PORRIDGE!
haha. sudden craving.

like ruths been saying, i have to be really careful. i always put my whole heart into everything and then it turns out hopeless so my heart ends up broken. i should know myself better now, and i wish i could be that type of girl whose heart is strong. but i'm not. i'm weak. i'm glad that i accomplished something, the friendship i really wanted, coz that makes everything alot more meaningful. but part of me knows thats not all i want, and that part also needs to learn to be patient.

and who knows. in the end something might or might not happen. but at least i still have the friendship to depend on. thats something meaningful.

not helping that U2's with or without you is playing right now.

and you give yourself away,

and you give, and you give yourself away.

with or without you, with or without you,

i cant live with or without you.

so the question that GPP asked.. i dont really have an answer for it. more of blanks, and more questions. kathryn went on a 20hour famine during the weekend to raise money for poor children around the world. she did it, yupp. she raised 700plus dolllars, if im not wrong. kath's only 9, and yet she can do something so meaningful. the thought is there, and maybe she might grow up to be the next mother theresa or something.

but what have we done? she went hands on, and all we do is just throw money at the problem. what i mean is that, when we are asked to donate we do, but do we ever go hands on to help? to meet the people and experience their poverty too? im not referring to everyone, just the general majority. and yea, im guilty of it too. its something we all know we need to change in ourselves, but how many of us will make the effort?

see what a simple question of what are you doing with your life can bring up? its not just your studies and future that should be thought of when this question comes up, its the meaningful things that you are doing thats more important. small things even, like how many people have you helped today, how many people did you make laugh and smile today, how many people did you smile at today. how many people did you call up just to show you care?

its times like these when i feel very old, and very young.

oh gosh, euthanasia.
better get back to my projects. maybe i'll blog again later.

to someone just like you who always gets confused, between love and abuse. and all the people you use ,or someone just like me; who can't go to sleep without falling in love, without playing for keeps.
touch the sky.
socialburn.

SOCIALBURN!<3
they're gonna be my new obsession, i think.

I MISS RUTH LEEEEE!

2007-03-18T20:47:00.000+08:00

hello.

okay this is gonne be really short and quick. IM SICKK. im bloody sick. the worst bout of flu ever, i swear! hur. whole body-ache, headache, fever, cough, sore throat. woohoo. so cool right? but yeah most of my dad was spent sleeping at GPPs house.

damn sad man, might not be able to go school tmr. em well; only miss yuls and vivian. HURR. not the school. oh and after school company. ruth and church! sad; okay! if i cant go school tomorrow, anyone wanna deliver porridge for my lunch?

joshua is my new close friend =D
thanks josh, jacob, ruth and shawn

GPP asked a question that got me thinking:
so what are you doing with your life?
more later.

Staring at the moon so blue
Turning all my thoughts to you
I was without hopes or dreams
I tried to dull an inner scream
But you...
Saw me through

You took my heart away
When my whole world was gray
You gave me everything
And a little bit more
And when it's cold at night
And you sleep by my side
You become the meaning of my life

you took my heart away.
michael learns to rock.

2007-03-18T00:39:00.000+08:00

if you ask me if i'm okay, im just gonna reply: IS THAT A TRICK QUESTION? because honestly. i have no idea either. the last few days i;ve been so down, and for some reason nothing is actually pulling my mood up.

its just going waaaaaay down. i just how insensitive and bitchy i am, and i'll be totally satisfied to live in a envelope if everyone else is happy with that?

hur. okayy. ignore me. i have insignificant problems. i realise everyone else has alot more bigger ones than me.

i just hate being in this mood again.

mum, dont worry. teenage angst. you know how it is.

insects are freakin obsessed with me, i swear! first the bee sting, and there was a huge hornets nest downstairs this morning, but we destroyed it alr, and theres a cockroach in the lift and downstairs my house. and i bet i'll wake up with mosquito bites or spiders all around me. *shudders* arachnophobia. if i got the spelling right.

what do you call fear of the dark? oh. nyctophobia. er, okay. sounds like i'm afraid oy NYMPHS. but hey, another cheem word.

training training training. didnt get in, mags did. alot more disappointed than i thought i would be, but hey. its alright mags(: you've been doing great lately anyway! keep it up, all the way. and do us all proud(:

watched stomp the yard with angie, louis, sherman, sam, abigail and deidre today. it wasnt a bad show, though i had to pee really badly at the climax. but apparently didnt miss much, i'm still a little confused though; owing to the fact that i couldnt really pay attention. i've been restless the whole day. could barely pay attention in mass. this is really unusual for me. but whatever. who caresss.

joanne and joel came over to church after mass and we went off to sandras place. dinner was good. dessert was especially fantastic. homemade mushroom soup which was gorgeous, seafood spaghetti, and the amazing TIRAMISU. which, lacked in brandy for me. so i had gin and cranberry juice. and tomorrow i will wake up with a hangover.

joanne did my nails. now they're a chocolate-y colour. messy, but thanks anyway for the effort babe(:

i met angelique and essa. angelique sounds so sophisticated! she has that devil may care look too.. COOLNESS OKAY! and yes, now i admit i have bimbotic tendencies. not a full blown out bimbo. just the SLIGHT tendencies.

okay i seriously have no mood now.

i am just gonna burst out into tears and scream the night away. i cant believe im so insensitive, such a bitch and oh gosh such a bloody whatever horrible word you can think of to describe me. im sure the list is endless. nothings helping! in fact i think im becoming what i hate right now. and crap, why are you all so nice to me? i dont deserve it.

shit.

sarah.

just wanna say thanks to ruth, jacob, jeremy & darren who are trying to cheer me up on ruths behalf; appreciated, shawn, mitchell. sorry im so stubborn and shit now. dont be so nice to me. i dont deserve it. but i really appreciate it all.

to ruth, joshua, jeff and gary. hope you guys get better soon, my phone is always on and the ringtone is always SUPER loud. i'll wake up to the sounds of better than ezra or 3 doors down fer ya guys.

Once more I say goodbye, to you
Things happen but we don't really know why
If it's supposed to be like this, why do most of us ignore the chance to miss?

Oh yeah...

Torn apart at the seams and my dreams turn to tears, I'm not feeling this situation
Run away try to find a safe place you can hide
It's the best place to be when you're feeling like..

Me...(me!)
Yeah...(yeah!)
All these things I hate revolve around
Me...(me!)
Yeah...(yeah!)
Just back off before I snap

all these things i hate (revolve around me).
bullet for my valentine.

2007-03-16T23:22:00.000+08:00

not that i'm depressed or anything, but there's information in my brain which is kinda hard to take. so dont get worked up or anything.

and i better blog before i sleep.

the earlier part of the day was spent rushing about. from piano in the morning, to shawns place to drop off christinas' work, then for the facial, then to meet ruth, then to the doctor. and i accomplished all that by 3pm, and i woke up at 10am. that is certainly a very amazing feat, to me laa.

doctor says the bee apparently injected alot of poison in to my leg, hence the very swollen gross wound. and i am feeling really pathetic right now, owing to the fact that this is my what, seventh or eighth visit to the doctor? yes, i am a loser. i know.

went to TP with ruth, and had laksa. FINALLY! been wanting that for quite a long time already, and its about time i satisfy my venezia craving. tiramisu craving, all the way from last year, HOPEFULLY will be totally satisfied tomorrow. though i highly doubt that. we went to saint francis to study, but the studying mood was kinda shortlived with everyone coming in from badminton or tennis, or on their way to soccer. plus, jenga (the game) was in the room and somewhat shouting at us to PLAYPLAYPLAY.

oh. thanks ryan for the chocolates(:

after that had dinner with a few people, and xav totally crashed my mood down. it was already pretty low to begin with, but now its just totally downdowndown. i dont mind that he said those things, as crude as they were. but i probably needed the wake up call, to know it was hopeless. so that is actually appreciated. it was the information that got to me, the hopelessness of it all, really.

dont say anythings possible. considering my track record with guys.. i think becoming a nun is actually a very good idea. no, serious! i love God so much, and it wouldnt be a big loss to the world of males, especially red blooded ones. hey, win-win.

considering?

it's not gonna be easy trying to cancel out feelings that grew stronger over the past few days, seeing as how i read about him in someones blog pretty often. and also owing that i see you very often. all i can do is try to forget all the hurt, and go les or something.

yes, guy problems AGAIN. all roll eyes and say, saraaaah in that exasperated way. altogether now, saraaaah. but it isnt something i can help. dont say its of choice, its me. its my way to think about all the small things and make it into something. but you dont know horribly selfish i feel when i realise that other people have HUGER problems. but what WOULDNT i give to take it all away.

its just affected me more than i thought it would, sincerely or on the rebound i have no idea. but like i said previously, my feelings changed after that realisation. uh, im confusing you, but yes. after the realisation. but it affected me to the extent where i nearly cried in front of ruth and xav. and i'm not like that. i guess i'm just really really down right now.

i wonder if, in 20 years time, will i actually be the same?

i think its very funny, in that pondering murphy's law type of way, that when you realise you've got so many things, you think about those you dont have. then lose it again. you try to think about what you have, only to feel so bad about it, because its so insignificant to others.

self esteem has been on the up-and-down lately. today it was down, i;m half alive but mostly dead. just felt like quoting from that song. (you were meant for me by jewel.) but there's a certain ring of truth to it, something that makes you think about the words seriously. i guess i think too much? after hearing the words said about me, its another thing thats been stuck in my mind.

i really need help with this self esteem problem.i dont parade around, in fact, i hide it. too well, indeed. apparently i'm an egoistic attention seeker or what not. i should stop with the sad stuff here, in case i'm dragging your mood down.

wish me luck for tomorrow's training. uncle billy might not let me bowl for B div but what the heck. i'm more of chin chai whatever. bowl or dont bowl wouldnt be a loss to me. and mags is more deserving anyway. come down t support though!

another random thought lingering on my mind:
what would happen if i die?
not suicidal, for sure! just thinking. curiousity. but i wonder if it would kill the cat? meaning would everyone be better off and happier without me? hm. that leads to another question of: what if i never existed?

much appreciated if you answered these two questions on the tagboard. i would love to know. BE BRUTALLY HONEST.

sarah.

Kick them right in the face, make them wish they weren't born. And if they bring up your name well they'll say you won the war. Baby burst in the world; never given a chance. Then they ask what went wrong when you never had it right.
desperately wanting.
better than ezra.

2007-03-15T22:52:00.000+08:00

today i realised alot of things.

one; i need to be more patient.
two; my craziness is bit scary
three; i needa go doctorrr

okay just a LITTLE on the high side now. hahaha. hms. will shorten today: training was baaaad. first game 166 then the rest dropped. till 103 -.- and i played what, FOUR GAMES? horrible, i swear.

oh. uncle billy says my leg injury affected my steps quite a bit, so uh. see how on saturday if i can correct by then. if not, mags will be taking my place.

rushed home from training to meet the purpur gay tiger. only to find out that he could only make it at 2, SO TWO. haha. bused down to paragorn. HE'S DAMN SKINNY MAN! his shoulder ahh. so bloody bonyy. PAIN! got my other tiger(: OBSESSION! charisse(: thats its name. cute okay!

went to church t study when he went to work, then mass with mags. thanks for the calculator, and coming back all the way across to teach me howto use it babe(: im stupid,i know. hung around till about 830 at ED prac then left for home. i wrote andrew a long-short very nice letter okay!

thanks ryan for the coke and seb for the chocolate(:

okay so CAMP!
my group? THE SIMPSONS! jeremy, lester, ruth, louis, val, fiona, eunice, rebecca, xavier and myself. yes we had the amazing great people! woohoo. loved all our skits man! especially the second one, where xav and i became absolute sluts. heh heh.

had to put up with ALOT of gay antics man. but it was a great 'turn on'. HAHA.

loved all the sessions, especially the one where we had to chose 5 out of 15 special people in our lives. it really makes you think about everything, and how much you appreciate what everyone has done for you. my top five? mum, dad, ryan(BRAT!), yuls and ruth(:

the passover meal was a great experience. i enjoyed every single second of it, and during the washing of feet. i nearly cried. fiona and val? you guys are so great(: thanks so much! to ruth and mags who also washed my feet, ILU! oh and joshua too. since we had like, a loong one-on-one share session, that was really great, thanks too[x

i loved the angel&mortal game. my angel turned out to be MAGS! a biigggg shock! haha. she didnt dare give me a lotta letters coz then i'd know its her, but i recieved a lot of hugs and food. LOVELOVE! she's my girlfriend now too ((x my mortal was greg, and i really really took care of him damn well okay! seriously man, he's WAY too skinny. i fattened him up. the best part of the game was seeing gregs face light up when he saw my letters.

the water bombing game was an absolute craze! half my body was SOAKED! but i took the hose and drowned myself anyway. weird eh? sarah playing with water. haha. sharing sessions were great, thou i didnt dare open up as much i wanted to; was waaaay afraid to cry.

thanks to:
lester, jeremy, greg, jerome, fiona, darren lim, mags, rovi, ruth, rebecca, eunice, louis, val, joachim, gerald, ben, darren goh and joshua
for writing me letters(: em. not in that order. haha. but thanks for taking the time and effort. it is really really appreciated. LOVE!

special thanks to my facils; jeremy and fiona, and my whole group.

RUTH!
thanks for coming and making this camp a lot more special! you always knew when i wasling down and you insisted on finding out why. you've been so awesome and amazing! three days and two nights with you was a wonderful experience, you really are one of my greatest friends! ilu!

JOSHUA AND JACOB!
thanks for being the best. you know what i mean!

altogether thou, camp was great. not muh details, but it will always be held close to my heart. to everyone who made it possible, thanks so much(:

UH. okay. exhauste now.

yay, ryans buying me a distortion pedal for my birthday(: like, really soon! so he can share it too. oh and dads absolutely fine with the thought of a boyf too. so cool okay! I LOVE MY FAMILY! you guys are so special, and im so blessed!

Believe in your brother, have faith in man, Help each other, honey, if you can Because it looks like everybody in this whole round world Is down on me.
down on me.
janis joplin.

2007-03-14T12:01:00.000+08:00

BACK FROM CAMP(:

but more about that later. UH. tmr. now exhausted. first and foremost. HEY MUM(: yes. she found my blog. and she's been reading everything. so yes. she's been rather worried, but from reading my archives, apparently she loves my style of blogging. very entertaining.

MUMMY!
now i really feel i can tell you anything. anything, AT ALL. i'm really so blessed to have you as my mum! i know yer reading this. haha. you've been so surportive with everything i've done. and only scolded when i really deserved it, not unreasonably. yes you nag, everyone nags. but it comes for the heart. tonight's really been made great!

YULICA & CLARE!
omgosh you guys! i come back from camp and then BOOM! this huge uh. column of FIRE! hahaha. i really didnt expect you guys to be so spontaneous and AWESOME! but hey. friends for life yes? thanks for being so feffing amazing!

JOSHUA!
thanks for taking the effort to check here all the time! even when i know you have your own life and that you're busy. yet you came to defend me, and yes yourself. i know we arent that close yet, but hey slowly slowly we're reaching there? hope to have an amazing friendship with you!

oh and now i'm allowed to have a boyfriend, on the rules that my parents meet him, and like him. WOOHOO! no more secrecy! i'm just so frigging happy!

dont be sad if yer name aint here. camp thanks yous and stuff LATER! coz i am SO tired right now, but really, so damn happy! this is just for the tagboard.

it's so amazing, when you think that life is about to push you down and you realise there are so many special people out there. all the little things you do show that you care. you are amazing, awesome people, you've all made me feel so great, I LOVE YOU!

God, thanks for all these wonderful people!

please let them share all their amazing gifts

with other people,

and let them continue to be a light

in other peoples darkness.

let them brighten up everyones' days

with their awesome personalities,

and may all their days be as bright

and happy as can be.

because they deseverve it.

Amen.

2007-03-11T22:43:00.000+08:00

i hate today.
dammit.

dropping dead seems like a pretty good idea now.

2007-03-11T15:53:00.000+08:00

i'm really scared of life as it is now.
a stupid thing to say, but i'm being brutally honest here. i dont want to be depressed again. i dot want to feel that way. but i'm grasping at straws. so few things to hold on to, so few things that care. i dont want to feel that way again. it's terrifying. i remember the feeling.

the deep dark emptiness which eats at you, slowly kills you. pulls at the thoughts of your mind until you cant remember the happiness. cause even if you do, its a fucking memory. and you feel that you can never be that happy again. the feeling grabs you and doesnt let you go. it eats at your self worth, your self esteem. and the life you've been trying to build. everything is so hopeless. and somehow, its true. then you begin to start hurting yourself. not content with emotionally hurting yourself, physically you start doing things. until you draw blood. but you'll never be content. its not good enough yet, you're not good enough. you never will be. not until you're DEAD. not until you're GONE so the world can be happier without you.

and nyou're left with a self esteem problem. the wish to be perfect in every single way, or just drop dead. you begin beating yourself up for every small little thing. and the critisisms you receive, even jokes, become true. you're a bitch, you're a whore. it becomes so literal. you become so cynical about yourself. so bloody jaded. you find nothing good about yourself anymore. and you surrender yourself to the feeling. cause there's no escaping it. you're just grasping at straws. someday you'll fade into the background. someone familiar, like, i know the name. dont know who the person is. must be meaningless, oh so meaningless.

am i getting a little too graphic here?
it's the honest truth on how i felt, and i dont wanna feel like that again. who else has felt like this? i wouldnt normally expose this to the world, but its the only way i feel i can open up. dont comment about this okay?i got out of this myself, i'll get out of it again. i just wanted to.... talk here. i dont expect advice from this. nothing. just someone to read and listen. i can get myself out.

i wonder if my dreams are telling me something? i had it again. being locked up in a dark room. recurring dreams? hm? i have no idea. my fear of the dark, maybe? i wonder if i'm even numb to it.

a question thats been running through my mind:
it it wrong to want so many things?

i'm smiling. i'll be happy again. i know i will. its a matter of working for it.
maybe i'm not such a hopeless case. dont get yourself depressed, everyone. trust me, its scary.

church; i'm coming.
God; i'm praying.
music; i'm listening.

someday; i'll be happy.

2007-03-10T21:44:00.000+08:00

coz i, need time.
my heart is numb has no feeling,
so while i'm still healing,
have a little patience.
patience. take that.

con te partiro.
(time to say goodbye. sarah brightman, andrea boccelli.)

these two songs have been playing over and over.

i shall not talk sad yet. noo. i shall my thanks first(: because they're the most important people. the peopple who are making my life somewhat SANE.

yulica: MY BITCH(: damn girl you seriously are the best! you've always been there for me, not matter. and we've gone thru alot too. you've always been and always will be one for my bestfriends. fun laughter and joy will always be remembered and treasured.

ruth: heyyyy best(: i think it's so amazing how you always stand up for me, and how you always try to understand. the fun we've had is so great, but not just the fun. its the friendship that matters, the care and understanding. and we have a great combination(:

joshua: HEY MY PURPUR GAY TIGER(: thanks so much for everything so far. for the somewhat fun day, sending me back, and of course standing up for me. all the small things mean way alot to me =D i'm really glad i met you, you've been a great friend! more to come yea?

jacob: hey dearest. or so you say. haha. thanks for being the ultimate crap male bitch-er with me. if i can call you that. haha. and of course for being so sweet even when we only got to know each other better recently. its hard to find someone who cares so much so fast(:

you guys? you dont know how much this all means to me! to have some one to catch me when i fall, make me laugh when tears are streaming down my face; for caring. its the little things that mean so much! I LOVE YOU!

okay now should i talk sad?
HM. i'm feeling better now thou. its an on-off situation. just now i was practically crying. and i recognised the feeling. it was the feeling of depression setting in, again. i swear, that feeling could just killyou. i dont wish it on ANY of you. its the most horrrible thing ever. now i dont know if i am, I SO HOPE NOT.

i need something to grab on to.

something stable, something true. and maybe i'll a little more desperate for it than i thought.life has thrown me on a rough track again. and instead of fighting it i gotta rough it out. and its hard coz i'm bloody materialistic.

basis of comparism.

and its getting so easy to fake happiness. a true real smile. no one can tell anymore. is the spark in my eyes permanently on for all to see? to believe that i am truly happy? there always used to be a blank look in my eyes. now there's a spark? i;ve gotten so good at the game of pretense, i'm fooling the one person who always knew how i felt. but its in the past. now i can only wish i ca fool myself.

i'm sorry. just felt like saying that. HAHA. it sounds so cheem and cool! okay so, its comic relief. it helps! and so does chocolate.

yesterday was a not bad not good day. went to school in the morn. painted nails, hair down,class shirt and shorts. and it felt so good coz miss wong didnt say anything. met joshua and we went to vivo, lunched. ruth came then we watched a movie.

then the shit happened.

but anyway, session kinda cheered me up. though i was almost gonna cry during it. but hey. CONTROL. joshua walked me home after that(: thanks loads my gay purpur tiger!

today was a horrible day, made up for in church. training was a WASTE. bowled four or five shots then my leg gave way. went to the doc and apparently my muscle is very weak now. gotta rest for the next few days.

cath was okay.. i shared alot of my very personal life. and it actu felt good to let go of something you've been hiding. thank, angie(: i love hugs. hugs are so nice. they make me fee genuinely happy for that split second. maybe i should do that free hugs thing. haha. my new motto:

hugs like chocolate =D

coz chocolate makes me happy too!

mass was good. sat with diedre they all. and diedre took my phone and played with my belt thingies.. haha. the ruth came and we went out for dinner. with alot of people. haha.

BEN IS MY FRIEND!(:
i am gonna call him FRIEND from now on.
hahahaha.
apparently he teaches my brother.
i can keep tabs on him x]

i got my adaptor so i can FINALLY put the photos up. -sings praises- and during there was this freaky guy. who at first freaked me out coz he kept saying that we're hysterical virgins or some crap. but he got my pissed off front up when he called us fucking arseholes and fucking children. excuse me, but HELLO? and he took a video of us.. or pictures. whichever. but i got pissed. i havent actually have had nerves of steel these last few days..

lucky he didnt stalk me back. i'd freak.
or kick his face or someth.

not in the mood to blog alr. see ya! LOVE YOU GUYS!

If you'll be my star, I'll be your sky,
You can hide underneath me and come out at night,
When I turn jet black and you show off your light,
I live to let you shine, I live to let you shine,

But you can skyrocket away from me,
And never come back if you find another galaxy,
Far from here where there's more room to fly,
Just leave me your stardust to remember you by,

boats and birds.
gregory and the hawk.

2007-03-08T22:36:00.000+08:00

life is fucked up right?

i mean, everything is coming today. not just for me, for everyone else. i wish i could everyones pain away, right now. i'd bear it all just to hear ya'll laugh again. GOSH. i'm just so fucking pissed i could shoot at anything and everything right now.

but for the sake of my own sanity i shall only shoot at YOU.

i know you're lying, you're just doing it to make me feel bad. that 'oh why should i bother?' is SO FUCKING FAKE. i know you too bloody well for my own good, i even know why you're doing this. because of your big fat EGO. i made you feel like shit coz i'm getting over you faster than expected, that somehow i'm learning to survive without you. that without all our shit i'm getting happier.

OR I WAS.

until your stupid message came along. counselling was helping, ya know? my self esteem was slowly going UP after we broke. because i could now see myself as ME. without someone standing beside me; you. you of all people know how bad my self esteem was.

thanks for killing what improvement i had.

i found your letters, right before i got your message. when i read them, all that came back was the good times.i was still happy, yet somewhat sad too. i told myself, i willed myself, to be strong. not to let go of something i've tried so hard to achieve. but when i recieved your message, i swear. i was gonna break down.

you wanted to make me bad?
congratulations. you made me feel worse.

you wanted me to cry again?
congratulations. you made me cry alot more.

you wanted your pride to be built up because of something you misread?
congratulations. you did it at my self esteems expense.

you wanted to make me suffer for our miscommunication?
congratulations. i'm beating myself up again.

you wanted to make me realise i love you?
TOO BAD.

right now i'm so hurt. i realise that you are willing a little bit of my happiness, for you pride. that proves how much you loved me, and what a chauvinist you are. notice i use PAST tense. you cant say you love me, or that you ever did after that message. YOU CANT EVEN BE HAPPY FOR ME DAMNIT.

i explained to you, what i meant. you just refused to take it in. why are you doing this? cant you be happy for me? you're asking me to sacrifice my self esteem for you, or rather, what was left of it? i never asked you to convert, i never would have let. i never complained about how you couldnt give what i wanted, instead i loved you because you gave what you could.

and you're asking this of me?

damn you. oh gosh. you never think, do you?

DONT BRING UP THE INCIDENT! i just know you will. this is about you killing me to salvage your pride. when all you did was miscalculate. what I did during th incident was a mistake. i apologised and you forgave me. or you SAY you did. i just reached out for whatever was there. and i know i'm wrong.

instead of admitting you misread, you just shot at me. right at my, heart. my weakest point.

and you're doing this NOW. when i managed to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, broken soul and broken ego, and tried to move on. i took steps farther and worked with what God gave me. you are working against what is given to you. i'm not asking to forever forget me, not even get over me.

remember that day before my camp i told you, lets not talk about all this till after my CYF camp? you agreed. it worked for me, i came back patched up.broken, but patched up. you still mention EVERYTHING! i'm asking you not to forget me forever, but try a day without me. dont call me dont message me. it hurts, but it works. hey, i'm surviving.

look, i'm just bloody hurt by what you said. but yet you see, i dont accuse of meaning that WE didnt mean anything. coz i know WE meant alot to you. as it did to me. but you accused me of that. of our relationship being meaningless.

dont you EVER say that. i put my whole heart and soul in, i tried everything i could to salvage our relationship. in the end i realise we're better without each other. I AM. dont misread this. just be happy for me. that i WAS happy.

past tense. WAS.
hey congratulations. you got what you wanted. i'm feeling horrible, i'm crying my heart out, i'm beating myself up again, and yeah i did love you. and a part of me still does.

you wanted to hear that? that i still kinda love you? i thought you KNEW me better than that. so much so, that you didnt have to kill my self esteem just to hear, coz you already know it. but apparently not.

you got what you wanted.
now fuck off?

THANKS GOODNESS FOR FRIENDS. you guys i love you!. will say names another day.

ruth:
hey babe. cheer up. it isnt the end of the world.(: it's his fucking coz he cant see how special you are, how much you mean to other people; especially me. dont think and over analyse this too much. you dont deserve such treatment. screw him upside down. he's an asshole.

jacob:
hey 'dearest'. haha. i'm not too sure whats up with ya, but you know my number(: i'd try my best to talk to you and comfort you. through thick and thin dude. so i really cant say much, coz i aint sure. but i wana see you genuinely happy tomorrow(:

I LOVE YOU ALL! thanks for me absolutely the center of my lives! friends, family, IPOD! names up tomorrow(:

to friends:
And all the pain I put you through, I wish that I could take it all away; and be the one who catches all your tears. Thats why i need you to hear, i've found out a reason for me, to change who I used to be; a reason to start over new, and the reason is You.
the reason.
hoobastank.

to YOU!
You're comin' in when i wake up to see things go your way. I'm coughing up my time, to drag and drop the blood and pain, a minute of my life. So i've got just to stay down why the fuck am i still down. I'm hoarding all that's mine, each time i let just one slip by; i'm wasting what is mine.
goodbye to you.
the used.

2007-03-05T18:31:00.000+08:00

BETTER THAN EZRA =D
crazeeeeee over the CD man.
haha =D

ryan's rise against dont have
not even 12 stones. HAHA :D

i want switchfoot.

school today was made easier coz of ruth and joshua. THANKS GUYS =D

i dont even wanna talk about my leg during sch):
but alot of people helped me!LOVE YA'LL!

I FAILED SS BY HALF MARK
AND HISTORY BY THREE
pisseddd.

after school talked to joshua on the phone on the way to city wall to meet DEAREST RUTH =D

had fun today at marina, lunched then shopped for her. i'm happy with my CD alr [: headed over to plaza sing without buying VENEZIA today): sadness. but we had some thingy at plaza sing. de lish =D

gosh i cant wait for the holidays.

pornstar this is for you.
Late last night, I made my plans
It was the only thing I felt I could do
Said goodbye, to my best friend
Sometimes there's no one left to tell you the truth

It's gonna kill me: The rest of my life
Let me apologize while I'm still alive
I know it's hard to face all of my past mistakes
It's gonna kill me for the rest of my life

the rest of my life.
less than jake.

2007-03-04T22:24:00.000+08:00

I JUST REALISED HOW SEPARATED WE'VE BECOME.
your lawyer and all that shit. but hey, i guess its all good? with each day i get stronger, and everything we did fades. i remember, but i dont regret and i dont cry anymore. i got closer to church and closer to God. everything happens a reason, and we werent meant for each after all. i'm happier now, awhile after we ended it. it proves that we cannot be again. as much as you or i ever want to.

and i'm sure you're doing okay too(:

JUICY WAS DONE BY BETTER THAN EZRA!!!!!!!!!!!
th desperate housewifes song? yeaaaahhh. haha. still love em though. they're SO gonna be my new obsession! but 3eb is still MINEMINEMINE! buying BtE greatest hits CD tmr anyway =D and ryan brat's rise agains CD. counter culture for the siren song or some shit.

anyway.
today waS pretty boring. black jack at KK's house. i said the prayer for Uncle Michael, and it was enlightening. however i couldnt say much coz i dont know him, and no one wanted to add anything on. oh wells. it was short thou. i cut it shorter. oh well.

WON TWENTY BUCKS xDDD
around there. joshua was being my lucky charm. I LOVE YOU LUCKY CHARMM! WOOHOO!. drink on me, friday. (:

highlights of the day was jacob and joshua messaging me the whole day (till now, even.) and confirming my meet-up with ruth tomorrow =D thanks guys for keeping me company, and ruth for keeping me SANE![x

friday i'm meeting JOSHUA. holiday for us, so we have the whole day. and yeah i cant wait either -rolls eyes- haha. kidding =D

school tomorrow. and i really dont want to go. but there's something to look forward to after, i just hope i can survive with my leg in absolute horrors. the bandage is wrapped around it, and i had my massage. but i'll be damned if it doesnt hurt like fuck. haha. i wonder if i can actually bowl for B div. oh well.

josh better come down and support! =D

oh abigail you TOOT! love that video you sent me!

"i hope i am reincarnated into toothpast, so i dont have to see you again!"
:D :D :D

-in a hindu accent- NO OFFENCE DEARS! its funky(:

I tried to give you consolation; hen your old man had let you down. Like a fool, I fell in love with you; you turned my whole world upside down.

layla.

eric clapton.

2007-03-03T23:29:00.000+08:00

i should start blogging about camp and today. but i'm somewhat lazy, and EXHAUSTED, so this will be shorter than originally intended.

oh and my computers not screwed up anymore =D

the first day of camp was a big slack around. coz of the rain, high elements wasnt possible. (even if it didnt rain, i cant do. LEG INJURY!just sat around cheering, playing games (our class especially favoured 'where's the peanut?') and singing random songs; including xmas songs for me with audrey and hymns with ms syde.

food was pretty bland.

night was more eventful , with the night-walk. i swear, i was fucking terrified! even when he was briefing us about it, i was crying. and crying, and crying. i cried thru the whole thing.! i really really was so terrified, i was practically hyperventillating.

thanks alot to richard(instructor), vivian, christina, melissa (instructor) audrey and lynn for trying their best to comfort me. especially vivian; who held me all the way and kept me sane, and richard; who walked behind to give me that small sense of security.

the night was restless, everyone was making noise! and there was a bigscrew up in our class. i swear, our class isnt freaking bonded at all! i have alot to say about it, but since i;m tired and in a slightly better mood, i shall shut my mouth until i get pissed off again.

second was at the dragonboating area. i couldnt do it either, SCREW THE LEG INJURIES, so just sat around. i talking to all the instructors, nemo (jeremy), JJ, melissa. and my personal favourite, ANTI SOCIAL! i mean steven. haha. but i'll forever call him anti social. make me sit next to him to TALK, then i'm the one talking to myself. but i think he kinda said i'm socialble =D like, in his weid anti social way. haha.

a few people got to do the high elements after that, cozit started raining again. and it was day one again.! all our stuff got freaking soaked. FLOODED TENTS! i was lucky i had one more pair of clothes man! hurr. had dinner, then it was GALA NIGHT!. was sitting on the chair with stephh (leg problem!]:) it was pretty good.

then they announced that since our stuff was all dead, useless and gone, plus the flooded tents, we went back to school. shared sleeping bag with christina coz mine was dead soaked. thanks babe!

AIN IS MY GIRLFRIEND!

thats practially it for camp?
thanks for all the fun everyone(: (:

"faith is to believe in what you do not see,

and the reward for this faith is to see what you believe."

had my lunch with ryan (cathclass. not the brat or ryan po.) and JACOB who came to meet me(: i bought TWO mugs for cyf fund raiser -grins- and then had mass with them all. yeaps. ryan po gave up his seat for my brother ryan; brat, and ryan (PO!) ended up sitting alone, when brat prefers to sit alone when he cant talk with anyone. hurhurhur. thanks loads ryan(:

the brat treated me me to five dollars of 9 dollars of the nail polish-es [[: I LOVE THE BRAT! haha. so sweet right?(: (: (:

shawn is supposed to call me at one, but i doubt i can stay away. blood shot eyes again. ah well. long day tomorrow. needa to clear up some stuff first though..

okay so maybe the post is longer than i said it would be.

i recieved so many hugs today during church!(: even though i asked for them ya know.. PEACE. hur. but i felt so much after them. its a miracle what simple hugs can do. i kept the fact that i wasnt well from everyone, but church helps. it always does. especially the prayers.

i just realised that, whenever people ask me if i'm okay, i say i'm still alive. so thats good.

everyone, i would like to request something. could you please pray

for my Uncle Michael who passed away on tuesday in the Phillipines

of a heart attack.

its too far to go for the wake, so tomorrow i'll be saying a few prayers

with my family. it would be greatly appreciated if you would include

him, his wifes and kids, and friends and family in your prayers. please

pray that my mum will get well, and not be overcome with grief too.

it is really appreciated.

the sad thing, i never got to meet him.

hey. you. baby, i miss you. i shouldnt say that anymore, but i just couldnt resist. i just need you to know, that i miss you and i still love you. even if we'reover. probably permanently. but so far, without you i've been okay. i've been staying in church more, and realising that i am still a person with you. still a whole, and i can function. i've learnt its hard let go, but letting go eases the pain of HAVING to do it. it's not that i regret our time together, as hard and painful as it was. i know we had our great times. this is just to let you know thats i'm okay without you, as much as i'm missing you. i'm slowly finding out i'm a person. independent. so yeah..

What's left to see is that I'll always be just Yours, and all that I am I lay down in Your hands. cause I'm yours.

yours.

seven places.

2007-02-28T22:59:00.000+08:00

i love dreaming.
about the perfect this and the perfect that. a perfect life a perfect body a perfect family perfect friends and a perfect boyfriend.
plus, perfectly smart and all that shit.

i think all of us dream about getting to there. that level of WOWness. an amazing creature or what not. and in the end, we get to comparing. then we realise that we can never get there and we start feeling like crap.

of course, thats just me. hurhur. i feel old ):

school today, was again a killer. i actually MISS chinese luh. art was fun. i just sat there and did my stuff with the ipod plugged in the whole time man.

church was great today =D
jacob and i have suddenly become close-r than before. to an extent i guess? too bad dear! you cant visit me at camp. hahaha. on friday after session, at like TEN plus, the 3rd floor was fucking dark. but he walked me up anyway(: then we found out joshua brought my stuff to saint francis

THANKS JOSHUA AND JACOB(: (:

me and jacob spent most of our time together bitching around and shit. ya know, this focusing on church thing is really working. i'm slowly, gradually feeling better over it. not beating myself (too much) up over every single detail. except the part about losing a great friend. that i can never forgive myself for. but i think when i come back i'll be better. from CYF camp i mean..

coolness.
my state is actually improving =D

on the way to macs, i saw clarissa sitting downstairs :] so i ranran towards her. and you know, THE FLOOR IS WET. so i fell. -.- on the fucking step. so now there's this looongg red line on my thigh. ouch. ryan and jacob were talking, so when they suddenly turn around i'm on the floor. funny. jacob had to tell the whole world! haha.

had a mini jam/sing session with rovi, jacob, angie fernandez, ryan and myself. it was short, but surprisingly lifted my mood. and i actually sang too, without breaking the window panes.

mass was great as usual. though with an almost break down. ryan came to check on me(: (: even though he was supposed to go with the others (i was sitting alone. mass is better appreciated alone) thanks again ryan!

was SUPPOSED to leave with diana, but she wanted to stay longer, and avoid the rain. i begged her and/or ryan to take cab with me. but noooooo. lucky never tio rape and murder. hahaha. or they're dead too. hahaha. kidding =D

but i DID end up waiting for twenty mins in the pouring rain, only to kena a cab driver with an attitude problem. SERIOUSLY. when you pay someone, going 'tsk' is very extremely rude. where were you during your manners and sensitivity class uncle!

alright. gonna go back to dreaming about my want-to-be perfect life.

ps:JACOB! take care.. you'll get it back, and it'll be alright. GOD BLESS YOU TOO!(:

I felt you long after we were through, we were through. The plans I make still have you in them, cause you come swimming into view. And Im hanging on your words like I always used to do. The words they use so lightly; I only feel for youI only know because I carry you around. In the background.
the background.
third eye blind.

2007-02-28T09:43:00.000+08:00

SARAH IS IN SCHOOL NOW. accounts. coz of shermaine we're having lessons in the comp lab. BUT IM NOT COMPLAINING! haha.

i'm gonna buy the better than ezra CDs. decision made. all their songs are so fucking nice! and mean alot too. amazing, really(: so now, def leppard, goo goo dolls, seven places, better than ezra and of course THIRD EYE BLIND share a place in my heart :D

talking to justin now. no not justin WEE. my cousin, justin sabai! lovelovelove him! haha. but he's on leave now and he keeps rubbing it in. too bad laa. i dont have to WORK like him. i dont have to deal with work stress and a receding hairline and an increasing beer belly. haha. okay i was kidding. he's too skinny for that.

now i'm gonna have to start looking for the old def leppard, goo goo dolls, better than ezra and if possible, SEVEN PLACES CDs. waste of my moolamoola. BUT WHO CARES! music music =D

def leppard - 12
seven places - 2
better than ezra - 5
goo goo dolls - 11(minus one coz i alr have the latest: let love in)

oops. i have 30 CDs to collect! bye bye cash man. haha. THATS LIKE SIX HUNDRED BUCKS! okay so i'll just get the greatest hits. hahaha. lucky i already have all the 3eb :D waiting for the rest.

look i'm just bored.

And did you kick him in the head? Did you see the blood run down?Did you laugh at all when the people walked right by and said aloud,"You gutter punks are all the same. Probably make twenty dollars 'fore the weekends over."? So set him up, then let him fall. Turn him over in your hands.God save the King of New Orleans.
King of New Orleans.
Better Than Ezra.

2007-02-27T22:42:00.000+08:00

okay.
so i aint done with yesterday. there's another person i needa rant about. but i'm slightly better (okay actually its kinda worse. but my computers cooperating today), so i'll just dedicate a song, then get to the good ones.

the good ones might be slightly shorter.. hms. yeah. but top priority right now is blogging about today.

spent first four periods in sick bay. HAHA. faked the fucking headache! just to skip PE. but there was mass, so i woulda skipped it anyway. i did have a headache luh. just not a migaine type. haha. vivian stayed with me for 3 periods.(: I LOVE YOU BABE!

met six juniors :D
rachel, marie, gwen, diandra, gloria, jini.
SWEETIES! all six(:

left during recess, and had my session. it was great :D hello ferrero rocher! ate fucking alot today laaa. heh. after, tried to find my class for half an hour! i walked up to 4th floor, then 3rd then 4th then 1st to the G.O then back to 4th. -.- only to see ms yvonne ng, woohoo. then found out they were in comp lab 1 the whole day. HEY. thanks for helping me drop a few calories. haha.

training was a screw up. my hand is injured, the fucking vein shifted again. GOSH. hurts like hell, but whatever? should be okay by thurs. or i have a built in excuse t not go camp. *evil smile* eh. must go! haha. i bowled what, 3 shots? then they were gonna bowl game so i had to stop. sat with mags and jamie and just talked.

MISS MAY CHONG IS NICE!

dad picked me, and we got mum. she's happy cause i packed my camp bag a day early! GOSH MUM! i'm surprised too. looking forward to church tomorrow, quiet time quiet time. gonna study first anyway. ACCOUNTS! why am i so guai? hurs.

okay. so here they are.

girl. i know you arent perfect, i aint too. but you just threw our CLOSE friendship down the drain.

Memory

All alone in the moonlight

I can smile at the old days

I was beautiful then

I remember the time I knew what happiness was

Let the memory live again

memory.

from the musical CATS.

its just a dedication to our old days. the fun we had. hey, gonna miss you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SINCE SARAH IS KINDA OF SLIGHTLY NOT REALLY BETTER TODAY. here are the happy good ones.

RYAN; you werent there FOREVER like the rest. so excuse the no song dedication. but me justs wants to say thank you. for everything you've done. making i didnt cry those nights, making sure i slept early even i ignored you, and letting me know you care. there are few such sincere people in my life, and yea i;'m sorry i didnt call the night i cried. but thanks fer everything dude(: you know you're the best.

YULICA! babe! hello(: we've been through everything together since sec one, and see! we're even closer now. both of us know each other bloody fucking well. and we're both the core of absolute grossness. heh. i'll always remember the nights i called you crying, and the nights we did too. when we did absolutely everything to cheer each up. NO MATTER WHAT. its the true friendship, true heart of love! thanks fer everything babe!loves!

Cause when I look to the sky

Something tells me you're here with me

And you make everything alright

And when I feel like I'm lost

Something tells me you're here with me

And I can always find my way when you are here

when i look to the sky.

train.

RUTH! wowwow. think about how we met girl! thru the fcuker. haha. i'll always remember the days i called you up, looking for advice. when i was sec one and you were sec 3. now I'M sec 3, and you're sec 5. we're still calling each other for comfort, in spite of the rough patches we've been thru. and you completely shelling GEOVENN is a fixed picture in my head. the loyalty you have, and the caring-ness that you are. its THEIR loss. now cheer up(: you know my number!and its ALWAYS fun going out with you, no matter where or when. plus, now i knowwe have a liking for venezia! MONDAYS! love them, LOVE YOU!

You really know where to start

Fixing a broken heart

You really know what to do

Your emotional tools can't cure any fool

Whose dreams have fallen apart

Fixing a broken heart

fixing a broken heart.

indecent obsession.

(think of it as th way you can

always always cheer me up!)

JEFF!; you dont ever come here to read his. and i always tell you how much you mean to me anyway besto(: SO NO SONG! haha. its weird that we got close coz of LY, and i think i shocked you by crying that night. but now youknow how much i trust you. you may not be the one who understands my feelings, but you understand my needs.

SHAWN! my kangaroo, canine carrot, DARLING DUCK!. hurhur. its all rubbish. and so's our relationship (haha.) but that what made and makes it work. your ability to see the craziness in something (like how an old man will use my pencil one day and maybe he'll be a chee ko peh then he'll rape me -.- always gonna remember that! coz your dad heard the whole thing and was laughing his ass off!) serious. no matter what it would always cheer me up, and even with your spastic side, you could give the seriousness i needed, and the listening ear and shoulder to cry on. and we got close all because of cup noodles i bought fer you when you were sick.LOVES!

When I was a child

My family was so poor

They didn't have the finer things in life to eat

So they had a plan

In a big blue can

A government substitute for meat was

Spam

It's pink and it's oval

Spam

I bought it at the mobil

Spam

It's made in Chernobyl

Spam

spam.

save ferris.

(specially requested cause

he's LOONY! LOCO!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

alright. think thats about it? cant really think of song dedi's now anyway. super exhausted. just gonna grab a drink, finish the last maths question, pack my stuff (must remember ryans stuff!) and SLEEP.

2007-02-26T20:17:00.000+08:00

oh goodie.
so the colour thingy is back up.

shall not spend most of my time blogging about today. since school was horrible, and there was nothing memorable. even the horrible parts. or maybe i dont wanna remember?

met RUTH dearest after school(:
finally. an escape. haha. we attempted to study, but ended up doing a lot of crap. including walking back and forth past maccas. haha.

oh goodie ryans thing finished printing le

we had VENEZIA. gosh i love that place. and we saw a guy weaing a shirt with the wordings:
ONE TEQUILA
TWO TEQUILA
THREE TEQUILA
FLOOR!

hahah. super cute, i swear.(:
the shirt, i mean.

ruth cheered me up alot more than i know(: and yulica too.
LOVE YOU GUYS! much much.

this is where i'm gonna dedicate alot of stuff around. patience people, slowly read.

to my EX-boyfriend. we ended it, we lost it all. and here we try to move on. pick up the pieces of our broken hearts and egos, and try to salvage what we have left. its hard, but i'm glad we're trying. i'm sorta glad we're over. the complications were, complicated.

Runaway, runaway

Wanna hold on to you but you're going away

Runaway, runaway

Wanna hold you tomorrow but you're leaving today

falls apart.

sugar ray.

i still love you, i still need you. and this really sucks. its best for the both of us, and besides. it aint fair.. but hey still always gonna be here? i probably know you too well for your own good.

i love you as you are,

from when i knew you from the start.

there are no answers i find,

to stop the tears from my eyes.

when everything looks black and white,

we'll both take the way with clear blue skies.

oh and its time to go..

i know my heart has always been,

and will be there with you.

there with you (edited)

sylvester sim.

you taught me alot of stuff. you were the one i could always depend on. (besides my friends laa) and i always knew you were gonna be there for me. this isnt another rough patch we can make through, its the permanent damage. and i know you know it too. WE weren't mistake. we were what we are, and we learned from what we had, and have. i love you.

to mine and the ex boyfriends bestfriend. pornstar. bimbo. i have no idea if you're ever gonna read this, but i hope you do. i know you're betrayed you're pissed and i'm the biggest heartless bitch in the world; i know. but i knew this was gonna be your reaction, so i kept it from you. not the best idea i've ever had (if i HAVE good ideas in the first place).

You walk along by yourself

There's no sound nothing's changing

They've gone away left you there

Emptiness is nothing you can share

All those words that hurt you

More than you will let it show

Comes apart by yourself

All is well and everything's wasted

falls apart.

sugar ray.

its probably how you feel right now, and trust me i understand. but i;m not you, so i dont have the exact replica of your feelings. but i'm asking you, begging you, to understand that i aint doing well too. and let us just have a good long talk. settle it down. even if it means the friendship ends (though i hope to high hell it doesnt). at least there's an explanation for us to grasp on to.

Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it

I just want you back for good

Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song and I'll sing it

You'll be right and understood

I just want you back for good

back for good.

take that.

i guess thats how i feel?

hey come on. you're still my secret affair, ass invader, batman, pornstar and bimbo okay? woah thats a mouthful man. anyway.. i'd like to know that you still care, that somewhere inside this friendship is worth something to you. because it means alot to me.

always and forever. to both.

sarah.

2007-02-24T21:44:00.000+08:00

do us all a big favor, and ignore this post when you read it. its seriously better for your mental health and my sanity. so dont talk about it dont mention it dont call me. cause its just me ranting, and getting rid of whats in my head. i repeat, IGNORE IT.

you read all the sappy love stories, and see all the romantic movies, and you think 'oh true love is possible.'

then you get a frigging slap in the face by reality and you go 'oh yeah. thats for princess whatsherface and prince idontgivearatsass.' fairy tales. corny stories which never come true, at least not for the ugly fat girls of whom i dont think i need to make an example for. (duh.)

WAKE UP CALL SARAH. life is never perfect. when you're happy, what makes you happy gets snatched away. or fades away. like the sudden high lilting feeling you get from buying a new bag, but it goes away once you exchange the cash for it.

and love? there's always something that happens to take it away. like RELIGION or PARENTS or some shit that tears you apart. i'm not talking about fighting and breaking up. oh that wouldnt hurt so bad. because you have a flaw to depend on for breaking up. but being torn apart when you're both so happy? wouldnt that be kick in the nuts? times infinity?

why do all good things come to an end? you find someone you can depend on, he leaves. you eat chocolate, it ends up as cellulite sally on your thighs. you find friends, they abandon you. you drink coke, it breaks down your bones. you find a sport you love, then your parents pressurize you into a corner.

oh the list is endless. name me a good thing and i'll show you its ending. I DONT CARE HOW CYNICAL I AM. dont tell me life is good, cause you're just bloody ignorant. though i wonder if thats such a bad thing. life is good, but its never FOREVER good. there's always something bad.

friends, you say? what friends? how many can i depend on? how many people can take my sensitivity? how many people wont abandon me for cooler, funnier people? there's barely anyone i can depend on. school is fucked up for me. the only reason is because i want to do well in life. not friends. not for teachers. not for my CCA, anymore. i used to love because of my friends, i didnt really care about my studies then. i was young, i was stupid. now schools not even a fucking chore, its fucking slavery. it may not be fair for me to say that, but there's nothing enjoyable school anymore. its the dream of being a great and successful journalist thats making me stay.

or i would drop out in a heartbeat.

who do i have to depend on in school now, anyway? besides one friend ad my counsellor? scream at me if you want. claim you're my friend. WHATEVER. but dont say it unless you can back it up with truth, past and present. future not necessary. a time discount.

now, dont tell me, oh sarah you can handle all this. I COULD HAVE. cause i had church. i decided to stay in church to study instead of going macs to do that (my parents said it was a better idea), i decided to start going for weekday mass and CYF as often as possible. (my parents actually approved!) honestly, i'm the only one in my inner who goes to mass weekly, and loves. my brother goes, but he finds it a bore and chore. but i cant really say anything about that, since they havent really brought up that issue. except the one time we came home around 815. and they kept insisting we were out doing shit, instead of at church.

but now you see, i cant go to church anymore besides saturday/sunday mass and cath class.

they're pissed because they dont believe i was at church the whole day after school yesterday. studying thru till 6, then mass, stations and CYF. then my first meal after session and then HOME. at 11plus.

you know, i think i deserve the trust of going to church, studying there, going for mass. i'm 14 going on 15.! my maths has improved dramatically! it took EFFORT. and that was when i was studying OUT of church and school. and macs and burger king. wont church help more, seeing as how its quieter and people there are better? sighhhs. i really have nothing to say. talking to mum didnt help, i doubt talking to dad will.

i know, 11plus is late. but its not like i didnt inform them! besides, i accept that i was wrong when i went home late. but i do NOT accept that i am wrong to want to be at church, to want to have a social life there instead of school, and to want to study there. i do NOT accept that it is MY fault that they dont trust me to know that i am studying there. they could check in, call whoever they want. but i was there.

i guess.. i'm done here? thanks to ruth for noticing something was up, jeffrey and yuls for bothering to stay on the phone with me, and ryan. for keeping me sane.

I NEED A BIG BIG BIG ESCAPE DAY.
carefree fun. no thoughts of HIM, no thoughts of shit. of any color, shape, size and smell.i guess phuket wasnt enough. then again, these problems only became huge after i came back.

i just realised i have a very warped sense of humor.

2007-02-22T21:26:00.000+08:00

i hate the world today.
seriously. today fucking sucks. oh gosh. hur. i'm alive, i'm somewhat well. but emotionally? one heck of a whirlwind ride. i wore the wrong bloody shorts to training. loose like hell please! i had to call ayleen to bring a belt fer me. in the end my games were like shit anyway.

oh yes. there's a wake underneath my block. wonderful.
no sleep for me tonight.

FUCK IT I NEED YOU.

But it's not so bad, you're only the best I ever had. You don't need me back, you're just the best I ever had. And it may take some time to patch me up inside. But I can't take it so I run away and hide. And I may find in time that you were always right, you're always right.
best i ever had.
vertical horizion.

2007-02-21T21:20:00.000+08:00

so i was supposed to blog about yesterday (SORRY ANDRE.)
i got lazy. so here it is, i think? the more summarized version. haha. HEY. better late than never, babes(:

spent the morn slacking around. then met with perry at one, junction 8. though i was bloody late as usual. haha. shall not say why. HUR. thanks pearpear fer the eyeliner and nail polish :D i swear, liquid eyeliner is absolute LOVE!

jeff arrived almost at two. latee. then we made our way to somerset to meet yuls. but apparently she was gonna be late. so we went to centre point. i wanted to see the hot sales guy again :D but he wasnt thereee): i saw this super nice adidas handbag. sweeeeet. x)) anyone?

we were stuck at the music store for awhile. erm. metaphorically stuck. just listening to song after song after song. HEY. nothing else to do! we met yuls and JR at heeren after that, but the shop was closed. so we went over to far east. did it there. heh. yulica is in LOVE with it! but she loves me more :D

met clare & renee for awhile then best left): yuls and JR. ruth and colin came. for awhile. perry bought her her very late xmas present, then they had to go fer dinner. so it was back to me and perry. i had to chose between two CDs or 2 books. chose the books cause i only had 30): haha. IF NOT I WOULD BOUGHT DEF LEPPARD AND BETTER THAN EZRA! -screams- oh wells. haha.

i regretted the decision to buy the books when i stepped outta the escalator, and into puma. OH GOSH. BEAUTIFUL GORGEOUS GREEN WITH BROWN STRAPS PUMA BAG!!!!!!!! oh man. i dreamed about it last night): depressing.

home, afterward.

had an almost three hour chat after that :D

today. school was shit. but art was fun thou =D basically just listened to my ipod whole lesson and drew and drew. haha. rahh.

after school went to church to study. alone alone. hahah. then rebecca and ryan came in. yeahs. actu had a pretty fun time. and i'm getting POA tuition from ryan on friday. haha. i begged for it. or was it demanded?

then the crisis fell.
FUCK IT.

ash wednesday mass. then home sweet home. alright. sarah is LAZY now. on the phone.

BESTFRIEND JEFF! cheer up kay? i know you dont wanna talk about it, and i'm probably being pushy, but i'm always gonna be here(:

Do you remember, the summers that lasted so long? June til September was our time to sing all the songs. Do you remember all of us together, as we grew up under the sun?
under the sun.
sugar ray.

2007-02-19T20:14:00.000+08:00

NIGEL YOU ARENT GONNA WIN! MINE BEATS A PLAYBOY LIKE YOU ANYDAY! YOU CHANGE LIKE CHANGE UNDERWEAR ONE! LIVE WITH IT! I WANT FISH&CO!

okay. so basically just gonna win that bet. hahaha. actually i dont have much to say here? my day was just spent at GPP's place, doing maths hw, playing cards, and watching the grammy awards. then seafood dinner :D I LOVE BUTTER CRAB!

and i just realised how stupid i am. i always complain no one bothers about my life, when my grandmother does. only i get irritated when she asks questions.

BE MORE GRATEFUL SARAH!

hur. i shall call her soon :D
ruth's gonna confirm if she can make it out tmr. i really need to escape from the brother from hell. besides, i owe mum a day of torture with him :D :D

LOVE!

Now all those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time. But today i've wasted away for today is on my mind. Left the only worries I had in my hands, away from the light in my eyes. Holding tight and try not to hide how i feel....
yesterday feelings.
the used.

2007-02-18T20:03:00.000+08:00

fuck.
i published just as my connection went dead. BLAH. so i'll probably make this short.

phuket was quite fun. great, really.. but the escape helped. somehow my mood pretty uplifted. owing to alot of things, really. but the escape from my real world.. it's amazing how different you feel.

i hate planes you know! just the landing part. i've gotten used to my heart leaping every time we encounter air currents or whatever you call it. after you've watched lost you hope you dont make it on th next season of stranded or something.

first day.
hotel sucked. wasnt even ready for us. oh joy. so we went subway fer lunch. where, by some amazing miracle the drink nozzle fell into my cup. and i didnt know till i was halfway done. like, ME. of all people. ahaha. the blur queen.

just walked around, had a swim after that.

second day we just drove around the whole of phuket. up the mountain, to the other beach, over the bridge blahblahblah. third day spent a few hours in town, and i got my hair extensions :D look like a frigging ahlian but i dont really care? they'll fall off in bout four days, and i'm entitled to be ahliian fer a few days w0rhx. oops? oh yes. after dinner had drinks with mums friend. his daughter's sweet(:

went to the beach after lunch, sat in front mums friends resort, so he came out to join us and i went with nikki to do our hair. braiding, ya know? yupps(: mine took all of ten mins. hers took nearly two hours. cause her hair is super ultra long and thick. apparently both our families were out looking for us. thought we were dead raped or something.

ya know, we ate at the same resteraunt 3 days in a row?
boring, i know. but it was THAT good!

fourth day, swamswamSWAM in the morning. then headed over to jungceylon for SHOPPING :D got loadsa stuff there. CHEAP. a sixty dollar nike jacket, named mike. (THANK YOU DAD!)no i'm NOT gonna marry it. it's a guy. my heart belongs to ONE guy. thirty six dollar puma bag, which i have to pay for myself. i'm not too fond of it, but mum didnt let me get the converse one. oh wells? super cheap stuff there. even cheaper than the previous sports store (2 dollar adidas shirts). REAL stuff too.

headed back to HOME SWEET HOME after that :D
wondeful sense of happiness when i landed at changi airport.

airport was bloody empty. guess everyone else was on transit. we're the few s'poreans who are ARRIVING instead of departing, au contraire.

whattt. it sounds nice.

anyway, it's CNY. so
HAPPY NEW YEAR, MY CHICKIES(:

dad bought baileys, mint chocolate baileys, in fact. gonna try th chocolate truffles on them. but seeing as i dont have the ingredients, taste test time(: BYEBYE!

iloveyou.

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white, just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for the hint of a spark. If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied; illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs.
i will follow you into the dark.
deathcab for cutie.

2007-02-13T18:53:00.000+08:00

i'm about dead beat now.
my extra long session today helped, and i hope i can skip cheena again for it. i'm so super tired right now.. and there's just a big sense of loss in me. i just lost it. everything i love. and fuck, i aint doing well. but now i know there's no hope, and no chance. and i wonder if i'll ever get over it.

school was slack again today. with bloody many free periods. i spent social studies sleeping, and oh yes. i failed the fucking social studies CA. by half a mark. so i bloody mugged so hard fer nothng! GOSH. sometimes hard work doesnt pay off.

history and bio CAs were kinda okay. though my map thingy went totally bust. anyhow name the countries one. biology i MAY have a shot at passing. MCQ was chicken shit. but structured was okayy.. might fail that section. *crosses fingers* didnt pay as much attention to it as i needed to.

met clare and yulica after school. just hung around TP. and the specs shop. HELLO OAKLEY SHADES I WANT YOU!. not like they're gonna magically appear in my hand. like the other hopeless i want and love. it's not gonna magically happen. and i dont knw why the fuck i cant get that in my head.

bah. humbug.

OH.
i apparently missed greg just now. he saw me. damnation. needed that fella to cheer me up.

i guess i have nothing else to say here.
thanks to mitch, yulica, ruth, clare, christina and shawn for being there for me. again.
and of course, HER.

IM FLYIING OFF TO PHUKET PEOPLE.
14th to 17th!
dont call, but message if you want. and i'll get back to ya asap.
<3

i <3 style="color:#ff6666;">Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones, turn into something beautiful. And you know, for you I'd bleed myself dry. For you I'd bleed myself dry
yellow.
coldplay.

2007-02-12T17:32:00.000+08:00

oh life sucks doesnt it?
hurr. who am i to say anyway.. there's a big hole in my heart from what happened yesterday. from two people actually. but what can i do? whats done is done. and i cant change any of their minds. i'll just live with it.

school was somewhat lame today.

me and steph did our cheena CAs. with me not giving a fuck. there was bloody shit on the paper, and i dont know how to read shit. hurrr. art was okay, finished up my design. i had to forego recess to do maths. because someone gave me the wrong questions. pissed, but forgiven(:

maths.
did my CA. thought i was gonna bloody fail cause i forgot the formula fer compound interest. so i calculated using the long long method man. haha. thought i was gonna do like shit, but i passed. with a good pass in fact. praise the Lord(: my hard work for indices HAS paid off :D

english we played risk.and i ALMOST conquered Asia): haha. alexander the great in the makings eh.

then i FINALLY ate my mushroom soup after school with grace. but i burned my finger. still hurts. but better. then we went city hall.

met dearest ruthh today :D she cheered me up. haha. went to CANDY EMPIRE and then to marina for her lunch. pretty late lunch. hurhur. then went to dhoby and trained home.

oh gosh. my brother is KILLING my ears. he's singing and singing. broken, by 12 stones actually. with the hard rock voice. or he tries. hahaha. oh i'm such an evil bitch. but hey, music is in his blood. but he better stick to guitar. i would rather he reserve his amazing for his bedroom and other inanimate objects.

mugging for history now actually.. even though i have my biology CA tomorrow as well. smart as me didnt bring the book back. but i'm pretty confident for cell structure. diffusion and osmosis. a bit obvious isnt it? but i'll read thru my cell structure notes tmr. plus diffusion and osmosis. history history. me is gonna die fer that. but whatever.

mitchell's been waiting fer this:
thanks to mandy, luke and mitchell fer being there(:

i feel like dying now.

goodbye to you, goodbye to everything that i knew. you were the one i loved, the one thing i tried to hold on to.
goodbye to you.
michelle branch.

2007-02-11T14:44:00.000+08:00

i cant access my own blog -.-
as in, see it. which is rater annoying. but whatever. HUR
hopefully it fixes itself. or i'll scream.

hurhur. church yesterday rocked. cathecism was great. the messages really struck me, and made me think. and the mustard seed? i need to get that to a certain someone. irony man.. but mass was great. the tranquil.. the understanding.. the thinking. only the company was a bit.. lacking. of sort. only had my brother with me. and ya'll know him.. the irritating restless brat. but hey, he's my brother.

the 'rents fetched us and we went to changi for dinner. charlies. and bus 59 goes there :D :D i just found out. woohoo! great after school lunch place here i come!

currrently waiting for the dad to arrive back with lunch cum breakfast. studying history, blogging, talking to luke and watching brokeback mountain at the same time.it's absolutely gross, i swear. JAKE GYLEENHAAL! but he's still totally hot :D though maybe not as good looking as the robinsons stor guy. cause i can see that guy again :D

okay mind outta the gutter.

peanut butter! eating crunchy peanut butter outta the can is so absolutely delicious! oh sinful yes. but i dont give a shit.

okay brokeback mountain is confusing me. i better concentrate. erm. on history i mean. my CAs are earlier -rolls eyes- PHUKET HERE I COME!

If we cut out the bad, then we'd have nothing left. Like i cut up your angels, yeah you stabbed me to death. I lost my head; you couldn't come, this lust to my brain almost feels like a gun.
cut up angels.
the used.

2007-02-09T12:43:00.000+08:00

i miss you):
hur. too bad i guess?

i was supposed to go study at church today laa. then, wow. i woke up with a freakin high fever. 39.3. horrible. and i have maths CA today. ah wells. i can study more i guess. hur

head is still throbbing pretty badly, but yes i;m alright(: piano later.. and i dont think i've made any progress with the songs. nor have i practised one bit. okay honestly i dont have anything to say here. haha

OH YEAH. I LOVE YOU SHAWN TAN :D :D
he bought me my chocolates from candy empire yester and brought 'em over :D :D

coyote ugly rocks.
i just realised :D

GO LEANN RIMES (: (:

-----------------------------------------------
Allie woke up 8AM
Graduation day.
Got into a car,
And crashed along the way.

When we arrived late to the wake,
Stole the urn while they
Looked away,
And drove to the beach
'Cause I knew you'd want it
That way.

And you were standing
On the hood of the car
Singing out loud
When the sun came up.

And I know I wasn't right,
But it felt so good.
And your mother didn't mind,
Like I thought she would.
And that REM song was playing
In my mind.
And three and a half minutes
Felt like a lifetime

It felt like a lifetime

And you move like water
I could drown in you.
And I fell so deep once,
Till you pulled me through

You would tell me
"No one is allowed to be so proud
They never reach out
When they're giving up."

And I know I wasn't right,
But it felt so good.
And your mother didn't mind,
Like I thought she would.
And that REM song was playing
In my mind.
And three and a half minutes
Felt like a lifetime

Are you sitting in the lights?
Or combing your hair again,
And talking in rhymes?
Are you sitting in the lights?

When I got home, heard the phone,
Your parents had arrived.
And your dad set his jaw
Your mom just smiled and sighed.

But they left soon
And I went to my room.
Played that disc that you'd given me,
And I shut my eyes
Swear I could hear the sea.

When we were standing
On the hood of your car
Singing out loud when the sun came up.

And I know I wasn't right,
But it felt so good.
And your mother didn't mind,
Like I thought she would.
And that REM song was playing
In my mind.
And three and a half minutes,
Three and a half minutes,

Felt like a lifetime.
-----------------------------------------------
a lifetime. better than ezra.

2007-02-08T23:37:00.000+08:00

gah.
new skin!.
i thinks its kinda chic and stuff. screw who ever says no. but i dont really give a damn.

MIGRAINE!

i deleted alot of my profile and added alot it. haha. new change, i guess? not in a very good mood now.. because of the migraine thats been eating away at my head since i woke up. which is i'm back so early. also, shawn just left to meet the guys. unfortunately, and maybe fortunately at that, i aint going.

went to doctors and got my meds. apparently a serious head trauma attack thing. okay not trauma. but really bad migraine. maybe due to the fact that how to save a life is stuck in my head?

I SWEAR. my lap top battery sucks. i have to charge th fugging thing whenever i use it. or it goes on hibernate, automatically. CURSE YOU THINGY! haha. then again, i'm in love with it :D 80GB HARD DISK, HELLO!

thanks to colleen fer bringing me around,
and shawn. that crazy duck fer pickin me up.
but no thanks for flooding my tagboard, you!

wunderkind, i swear.

hurhur. i should sleep, but i cant sleep till i take my meds and i cant do that till i eat. which reminds me, i'm starving. aunty went to get mee goreng for me :D i know i'm sick! I DONT CARE! i'm entitled to what i want when i'm pathetic!

in that case,
i want you):
with a fender strat to boot.

haha. greedygreedy. this week has been a horrible week. what with the bad news i recieved on monday, mrs mag low's husband passing away, gary's depression, half tuition, maths CA tmr, falling sick. and my stupid chair landed on my toe, so part of th nail broke off and it's bleeding like ELEPHANT CRAZY!

oh and yeah.
my godmother is migrating to australlia, TONIGHT. i knew for awhile.. but still. i cant send her off cause they gotta settle some stuff fer elliot and maia (dogs) at the cargo point. lalala. whatever. we talked on the phone last night. but i realise that the stupid me-cousin incident has really built the big wall. one that cant ever be broken down. we cant even say 'i love you!' anymore, dammit!
and we all used to so close. just because of that stupid thing, everythings all screwed up. my godmothers migration is making it even more painful and apparent.

the wall.
i would elaborate, but i havent the time, energy or heart to. it's complicated. EVERYTHINGS so complicated from a teenagers point of view. and i'm getting sick of it.

but anyway, godma.
you wont be back fer two years, so my confirmation is out. so i;ll have another godmother.. but you'll still always be in my heart.
i love you godma.
even if you dont read this, or dont love me back.
i do.
regards to elliot, maia, kevin.

screw the fucking toe man! hur. i dont think there;s anything else to say.. accept.

good luck fer the Olevel results, friends(:
i'm lazy to type all yer names, but you know it anyway.<3

back to reality.
i hear the neighbours' contractors talking. i feel the pain of my neck and the faggoty toe, and i hear my aunty coming back with FOOD! glorious FOOD!
oops. i should diet.
seriously

yeahhh like i'll stick to it fer more than a day!

back to gone with the wind it is fer me then(:
for like, the fifth time. and i'm nearly done.
scarlett's pregnant again :D

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend. Somewhere along in the bitterness. And I would have stayed up with you all night; had I known how to save a life.
how to save a life.
the fray.

its not the melody.
it;s the lyrics. it gets to ya;

2007-02-07T20:05:00.000+08:00

boo!
okay so. my mood has changed. i'm feeling better now. but i hope he's okay. yupp. them both. lalala.

i need to lose weight.
everyone's so pretty and shit,
and what am i?

worthless.

ANYWAYYYYYYY.
i dont really feel like blogging anymore. haha. too busy playing with photoshop. shawnshawnshawn:D he's calling meeeeee(:

DUCK/CHICKENNN(:

2007-02-03T23:57:00.000+08:00

pfft.
i just told perry about my WHOLLEEEE day. but noooo. i have to type it all again here. just to entertain myself. and whoever reads my blog. haha :D

basically. met the duck (shawn) in the morningggg. stupid ass. hur. basically just watched everyone play bball. then me and duck left cause i didnt let him play :D went off to novena. luncchhh. LJS. i'm getting bloody addicted to that place man! then we went back to TP. cause he had to meet whatshisname and me had to go church

met gail :D blur toot. she ate her lunch. though i stole her soup! hurrrr. after that went church. early laa. still has assembly. which is rather annoying, i think. then class :D fun. we chose pictures that represent ourselves. i chose a picture of a bunch of guitars.les pauls. which is weird, cause i aint too fond of les pauls.

stratocaster!! mineminemine!
well i want it. hur.

but class was good(: as usual.

then mass. saw like 01846026918562178346people luhh. hur. phi i LOVE you bag! it looks exactly like mine! coinciddence babe(: XAVIER! he still recognises me gosh. even with the eyeliner. HUR. better start going for CYF and weekday mass again. my social life in school is lost, i swear.

there's practically no one in school i can call my bestfriend(s). everything is so fucked up laa. i want to take solace in church.. but i have to get comfortable with everyone in church. again. i think? ya know.. people who have known each other fer years.

ANYWAY. everyone thinks im bloody emo.i am notttt *pouts* just the too-think-eyeliner pls. hur. ethelbert thought i died man. the fact that i havent been keeping frequent contact. ah wells.

left with ryan and ryan after that. missed the frigging bus. then got to j8 to buy my stuff :D then ryan went somewhere and me and ryan BROTHER went home. haha. on the way got or jolly shandy, which he thought was jolly jelly. joker laa he. haha.

got scolding from dad fer being late. BUT IT WAS FRIGGING 830! not our fault mass dragged and we missed the bus and blahblah. dad didnt believe though.. HUR. whatever.

THANKS MARTIN FER THE SONG :D

now mum is writing letter to school (muahahahaha!), and i forgot to call shawn at 12. so i shall now. to continue our argument on batman is hotter than superman. which he is! <3

you say in the darkness you stand. But you are not forgotten, you're in His mighty hands. Now turn aside and see this sight, a flame that does not consume. To show you that He's called your name.
holes in his hands.
seven places. <3

2007-02-02T21:08:00.000+08:00

i'm like, watching tv now.
but everytime i look back at the computer i cant remember what i just watched. hur. distractions, distractions.

maths today was.... somewhat weird.i kept falling asleep. but everytime i woke up, i could do the questions. i didnt understand perfectly well. but just well. weirdd. A1 FOR MATHS BABY! COME TO ME :D

oh come on, i've been studying so harddddd.

after that class was normal. except cheenaaaaaaa. cause i didnt do any work in my workbook. whatever you call it in cheena. she put my book on the display thingy and said some shit about how i must study hard and do my work properly. or else i can just face failing.

not that i understood shit, but what else can a teacher say? xD

accounts. BAH. hate herrr. ms lee tried to explain the shit today, but i still dont understand ANYTHING. im seriouly gonna die. her pronounciation, though i cant blame her for that is GHASTLY. and her explanations -when she DOES explain- is so vague. it annoys me. but whattttever :D

school was out, then went elyssa's house. with stephh. just hung around, played her comp (MY iPOD!plugged it in) and in her room. HER BATHROOM IS FREAKY I SWEARRR. hur. we left around 530. i reached home at six. thanks shawntheasshole fer walkin' me back!<3

here's the joke of the day:
today at macs, stephh was tellin' us a ghost story. then suddenly she looked up and there was this woman with long dark hair standing at the woman. stephh jumped and fell back on me. HAHA! the woman told her friends, and the other two tables laughed at her. classic, i swear.

tomorrow is gonna be my emo day(: since everyone in church thinks im emo... tomorrow i'll prove them erm.. wrong? that last week i WASNT emo. ahhh whatever :D :D

i think superman is HOTT :D
red underwear! blue cape!
SUPERMAN!
he's my flying saucerrrrr xD

Out of me, into you yeah. You could hide, it's just a one way street. I believe, I'm in you, yeah. Open wide, that's right, dream me off my feet. Oh, believe in me
hysteria.
def leppard. <3

2007-01-27T23:08:00.000+08:00

i think i'm slowly dying.

right now, i kinda wanna be dead. or at least somewhere else.

the only one i wanna talk to, is kinda down too. i'll wait for you to see this, though i'd rather you be fine too..

oh fuck it. ya know what? i got projects to accomplish. no time for all this shit, as fucked up as i feel.

2007-01-26T20:55:00.000+08:00

wow.
sec 3 is helluva rush man. how many frigging tests already please! and projects. gosh. reminds me, i still have to do my art and english homework. lucky maths is alr taken care of during study session today.

been rather busy with school and stuff nowadays. days are so fully booked! besides wednesday. though even that day you have to clear with me in advance. sec three is turning out to be really hectic. i've been finding work manageable, but still with a certain amount of stress. damn. haha.

studied with perry today. or kinda TRIED to.. hur
perry is a BIMBOOOO!! :D
hahaha. oops? whatever luh. heh. did maths and physics. nearly died with carrying accounts and history books as well. hur.. oh yeah. he cant read vernier calipers. i feel SMAHHHT! hahaha.

tomorrow studying with samuell.
the idiottttt banana fried watermelon shithead. HAHA. or something like that.. hur. gonna do history and accounts tmr. he'll be teaching me accounts, seeing as how its a big HUH for me.

daddy cheered me up today :D
he let me go thru my old stuff today! from primary one. my journals. my spelling was ATROCIOUS. naughty = noty and all that shit. hahaha.

today my tuition teacher gave my brother a t-shit
my mum says my handwriting in teryble

yes my handwriting is still 'teryble' oh yeahhh. i used to be SO cute! haha. note: used to me.. heh. got two footballers autograph too.. fandi ahmad and some australlian guy.
but the most special thing is my baptism booklet(: with the prayers and hymns and stuff. that was nice and really sweet.

oh yeah. i chose my confirmation name:
sarah kea lin almodiel.
mmmhmm(:

better go do work. hurrrrr

torn apart at the seams and my dreams turn to tears, i'm not feeling the situation. run away, try to find a safe place you can hide its the best place to be when you're feeling like me. yeah. all these things i hate revolve around me.
all these things i hate (revolve around me).
bullet for my valentine.

2007-01-17T22:09:00.000+08:00

RAH.
school's bloody annoying luh pls. heh. sec 3's turning out to be a bitch! haha. already have what, 2 projects? one's individual somemore..

okay, actually i shouldnt be here. just felt like coming in. heh. better go do maths, stupid pineapple gave me homework!!!! -screams- and there's school maths too!!! haha. ah well. okay. better go(:

I'd like to say you turned my life around. I lost myself outside again with the sound running through my head. Drowned out way out in the crowd and the crowd goes singing. My people are the misfits, the ones that don't fit in. With the smile I know it comes within; I can feel you in the corners laughing when the lightings low.
misfits.
third eye blind =D

2007-01-13T23:50:00.000+08:00

oh yes, before i forget(:

good luck to eugene wong for NS, at pulau tekong if i'm not wrong?
well anyway, hope you have a good time (if its possible) and a good bonding experience with yer peeps. come on, at least you'll have a bonding experience! i've heard it's a really good thing :D

come back all fit, macho and HOTT okay, dear eugene?(:
loves!(: (: (:

2007-01-13T21:21:00.000+08:00

rahhhhhhhhhhhh.
stupid pms. i've been in a sucky i-hate-sarah-and-everyone-who-steps-in-my-path mood since i got home.

sofdihaisgoaguhf.

hurrr. okay whatever. heh. mum and dad are watching borat now. long time since they had a movie alone together.. erm, last one was pearl harbour i think? heh. sweeet(:

today's cca orientation was somewhat okay. hurrr. had a bloody headache and a slight fever. lucky was just in charge of the registration list. left school with michelle and abigail. oh yeahh. we miss cath class! haha. START SOONERRR!

after that had my class at novena. rahhhh. stupid shawn!make me follow you. hur. then met samuel :D went to city hall, raffles place for lunch. hur. i was bad, ate BK. with my throat like this? just made it worse... but i had hot milo laa. and sam had to tempt me with his coke. evilllll!

after that we just walked around and around and around. finally succumbed to boredom, and went over to marina square, then to milennia walk CANDY EMPIRE! mums crazy over the mint m&m's i bought. super nice as well! thou she wont be too happy with me buying it from candy empire... then again, she aint gonna find out, aye? haha..

sent sam to the busstop, then i left. was supposed to watch movie at the same time as parents, just diff show. but night at th museum was sold out. too bad fer ryan! haha. i watched it alr. cute show! haha.

anyway thats about it. besides my stupid PMS gross fucked up mood. i need to get over it. AH SHIT. coke&chocolate sugar high i come. i need the mood uplift.

I hate the world today, you're so good to me I know but I can't change. Tried to tell you, but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel underneath; innocent and sweet. Yesterday I cried, must have been relieved to see the softer side. I can understand how you'd be so confused; I don't envy you. I'm a little bit of everything, all rolled into one. I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint. I do not feel ashamed; I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between, you know you wouldn't want it any other way.
bitch.
alanis morissette.

2007-01-13T00:35:00.000+08:00

oh bloody fucking fuck you computer!
stupid. i blog finished luhhh. then dc-ed!! -screams- ah well. i'll keep it short-er then. haha :D

been sick for a week plus alr. yes, since my last post. -rolls eyes- thou now it's somewhat worse cause i've been puking and stuff. and this really bad cough. so bad that i'm surprised i havent coughed out blood, my guts and even pieces of my brain. though i probably owe the latter to a non-existent one. haha. :D

but it's been a rough few days for me (i missed 4 days of school in total!!! bloody shit. i actually wanna go school. scary.) what with the dizzyness and headaches. im so pathetic. haha. dad stayed home yester to take care of me, mum even came home early. today mum stayed home... AWW(: loooove my parents.

wednesday had tuition for the first time with JJ, my darling dearest pineapple head. hahaha. i'll never get over that! only now his hair is longer. damn. haha. looks better thou kor :D haha. we went thru bio, seeing as how i missed the lessons. and.... well thats about it? haha. my maths so far is better, probably owing to how i'm actually paying attention! not that i have a choice.. and yeah yeah. sec 3. buckin' up time!

after that i felt like shit. asked mum whether i could skip school the next day.. but nooooo. even with the 38.5 fever and puking and cold and whatever shit i had. noooo. dad said no too. even when i begged. he chopped off my nose by the way. used gary's knife to do it (see! it DID come in handy! i didnt use it to cut myself thou.. it's CONFISCATED friend :D big difference its gonna make..) nose is GONE! i cant sneeze anymore! hallelujah. yeah, righttt. i wish. i hate colds. wish my nose could fall off, shrivel up and die... turn blackk... turn to dust... be blown away... woohoo! byebye nose.....

oh wait. what was i talking about?OH. begging my dad. he said only if i have a fever... in the end, mum walked into the room, took a look at my face, told me i definitely cant go to school. THANK YOU!. but i missed out on shitloads please. i didnt go today either. hur. hope i'll be okay tmr? for cca orientation, and meeing samuel. then church.

oh yeah. my brother is one piece of work man. right now,i'm just thinking of everything that's he done, everything thats he's said and all he doesnt care about and does (meaning HIMSELF.). and im just so disappointed. in fact, its me i'm disappointed in. im a horrible sister. damn.

self esteem has been going up a bit for awhile now. heh. owe it all to someone. haha. well, someoneS. heh. love ya guys, yeah? heh. but on wednesday it went crashing down again. kinda..? yeahh. i've really got to do something about it, to make it become somewhat normal again. horrible last few nights for me. i've gotta stop dreaming. SHUT UP SUBCONSIOUS MIND! SHUT UP!

bringing up my self-esteem? oh nono, it's egoism.

oh. i'm going crazy. ah whatever.

This place is so empty, my thoughts are so tempting, I don’t know how it got so bad. Sometimes it’s so crazy, that nothing can save me, but it’s the only thing that I have.
pieces.
sum 41.

i'm going mad thinking about everything right now. thinking that i am everything i hate. my tears fall down so freely off my face. and i wish you were here to wipe them off, to tell me everything's all right. and that i'm actually worth a drop of something. that my everything doesnt mean nothing. i wanna stop hating myself, but i cant find anything to not hate.

2007-01-06T17:21:00.000+08:00

TWO PRINCES by spin doctor

One, two, princes kneel before you
That's what I said, now
Princes, Princes who adore you
Just go ahead, now
One has diamonds in his pockets
That's some bread, now
This one, said he wants to buy you rockets
Ain't in his head, now

This one, he got a princely racket
That's what I said, now
Got some big seal upon his jacket
Ain't in his head, now
You Marry him, your father will condone you
How bout that, now
You Marry me, your father will disown you
He'll eat his hat, now

Marry him or marry me,
I'm the one that loves you baby can't you see?
I Ain't got no future or a family tree,
But I know what a prince and lover ought to be,
I know what a prince and lover ought to be....

Said, if you want to call me baby
Just go ahead, now
And if you'd like to tell me maybe
Just go ahead, now
And If you wanna buy me flowers
Just go ahead, now
And if you'd like to talk for hours
Just go ahead, now

(Interlude)

Said..

One, two, princes kneel before you
That's what I said, now
Princes, Princes who adore you
Just go ahead, now
One has diamonds in his pockets
That's some bread, now
This one, he wants to buy you rockets
Ain't in his head, now

Marry him or marry me,
I'm the one that loves you baby can't you see?
I Ain't got no future or a family tree,
But I know what a prince and lover ought to be
I know what a prince and lover ought to be....

Said, if you want to call me baby
Just go ahead, now
And if you'd like to tell me maybe
Just go ahead, now
And If you wanna buy me flowers
Just go ahead, now
And if you'd like to talk for hours
Just go ahead, now

And if you want to call me baby
Just go ahead, now
And if you'd like to tell me maybe
Just go ahead, now
And If you'd like buy me flowers
Just go ahead, now
And if you'd like to talk for hours
Just go ahead, now

If you want to call me baby
Just go ahead, now
If you'd like to tell me maybe
Just go ahead, now
If you want to buy me flowers
just, go ahead, now
and if you'd like to talk for hours
just go ahead, now

whoa whoa baby
just go ahead now
whoa, just, just go ahead ( just go ahead ) now
oh, your majesty
c'mon forget the king and marry me...
c'mon
c'mon
c'mon and
( go ahead now ) just go ahead now
yeahh....
if you want to buy me flowers....
just go ahead now
yeah go ahead now baby...

2007-01-06T16:37:00.000+08:00

FINALLY!
haha. using dad's lap now, cause my comp has just died. bloody shitface piece of crap it is anyway. (did i mention that ALL MY SONGS ARE GONE?! thank God for the ipod..) strong>anyone wanna fix it for me? :D! ah wells. haha. so damn sorry havents been blogging in almost two weeks! -gasps- record for me.. i think, even during exam time? WHOOPS! haha. (: (:
(oh yeah, colour is working here :D)

first of all, announcements:
as late as it may be, HAPPY NEW YEAR YA'ALL! may the Lord bless with good things to come(:
and happy birthday to samuel lee sheng hui :D haha. see! i remember your nameee!
thanks to SAMUEL LEE and PERRY KOH for buying me the whole 3eb collection :D okay well, i bought one. hur.
thanks MANDY for my xmas present :D silver hoop earrings. THANKS BABE!

new years eve was good fer me(:
spent it and godpa's house.. jammin' and stuff. HUR. not that i played much, with riard and nick.. but hey the experience was fun! bloody hell, they still havent got the advertising out for their record yet.. HUR. ohwell.. oh that reminds me, gotsa email nick the songs! and check out riards website :D

new years resolution:
dare to try.
eh. not easy lah pls.. oh and that tightened standards on it.. hurhur.

okay. that done..
it's been rather hectic for me this week.. HUR. what with school and preparations for mum and dad's wedding anniversary. TODAY. -screams- i've been cooking alot lately for them luhh. heh. and ryan has just been a lazy ASS! he escaped from helping me do the chocolate truffles todayy. hur.. asshole.

OH YES. have i mentioned that i was (and still am) SICK doing it?! sigh. haha. almost has to go for fucking SURGERY! hhurrr. apparently, when you get a cold/flu, the ear is affected. cause the nasal canal is connected to the ear. so my eh, eardrum was infected. gross eh? if the infection didnt die down, i have to go for surgery. or the ear drum will just burst. but the doc said im okay now anyway(:

THANK GOD. hur. it was bloody freaking painful pls.. but my hearing was better (haha). i have NO IDEA luhh. hur... perfect pitch hearing, i wish..

school? school's been okay so far. heh. got two HOYs this year. -screams- (head of year). oh well? haha. really aiming to work damn hard anyway.. already got maths homework. -rolls eyes- i wasnt in bloody school luh.. guess i'll go try? heh. oh well..

OH and i've decided :D
I WANT A 3EB LOGO TATTOO! i know i know, tattoo's are a big deal. and errr.. yeahhh. heh. but ya know, it aint just the love for the band. the logo's hott too..(picture above!) i know i'll always LOVE 3eb. they sing about real things, sex drugs cigarettes love rock and roll.. and the way it affects us. they write about things that matter, things that they've been through. to me, that makes it so much more real and meaningful, if you can read between the lines. not wishy-washy stuff of today (haha no offence! i like some mainstream too..)

oh yeah. i want the BETTER THAN EZRA:GREATEST HITS COLLECTION CD. yeahh! anyone? WHOOPS! haha :D

hm. okay, thats about it for now i guess? heh. LOVE YOU GUYS! off to cook. rah.

Looking around the house. Hidden behind the window and the door. Searching for signs of life but there's nobody home. Now, maybe I'm just too sure. Or Maybe I'm just too frightened by the sound of it. Pieces of note fall down, but the letter said, Aha, it was good living with you. Aha, it was good.
good.
better than ezra.

2006-12-26T02:12:00.000+08:00

Strong Enough by Sheryl Crow

God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave, leave, don't leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
So try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?

My man......
Are you strong enough? (to be my man....)
Are you strong enough? (to be my man....)
Are you strong enough? (my.....man)

When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be man enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise, I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave

2006-12-25T11:25:00.000+08:00

first of all, a very merry christmas to one and all(: [it's actually 1.30am now but i edited the time xD]

mmhmms. done. anyway. tiring last two days for me. yesterday, christmas eve, was a pretty long day for me. okay so, most of it was spent slacking. fine. haha. perry came over for his ahhem. second dinner, and then he left. we went for 9pm mass, then came back for the traditional xmas pie :D yumms. except mum was lazy to make pastry this year so we bought the ready made one. which was horrible. ruined man): thou the shepherd's pie this year was bloody good! or maybe thats cause i havent been eating REAL mashed potatoes lately. slept pretty late. around 4-5am? mmhmms. then was forced awake at 10am. OH THE HORROR! hurhurr.

today managed to drag myself out of bed and actually made myself look somewhat presentable for christmas lunch. went over to uncle ram's and lunch was somewhat dull. not the usual big fancy fest dinner, which i miss. i LOVE sitting with my parents to hear the gossip and dirty talk :D which was what gave me the idea for their this year xmas presents, but shall get to that in awhile. and the thank you list of course(:

not much of a celebration this year. rather dull; or maybe thats just because i'm not feeling the mood of it. mostly. mmhmm yeah. spent most of the time at the party smsing, stoning/pretending to look interested and sneaking pineapple tarts while mum wasnt looking. WHATTT! they were like a frickin piece of heaven! okay pieceS! plural. not singular :D haha. yumss

anyway, exchange of presents was fun(: i mean the one at home, not the one at the party. that one was decidedly rushed. gave ryan his present :D soccor socks, since he needs them. but HEY! i made it up what with the arcade cash, chocolate and sweets the past month! IM NICE! oh yeah, reminds me i havent forgave him for what he did yester. hmm?

mum and dad's reaction to their gifts was really uplifting(: yeahs. their shot glasses with *AHEM* written on it. it was imaginative, they said. they really loved it. just wish i was as perfect as him,him and herrr. dance classes. really, that was great. ah well. whatever i guess. i need to get my mind off comparisn.

i actually really wish i was closer to my family. that that stupid event didnt have to pass and i didnt have to feel so excluded. also the nagging feeling that im responsible for getting my immediate family excluded. technically it is. yeah i think it is. everyone else enjoys such close relationships with their cousins and stuff, the fun and laughter.. everything i used to enjoy. a privildge i threw away with a stupid rash decision. if you can call it a decision. sighs. everything stopped because of what happend.. what a.....
oh well. i shall push negative thoughts till tomorrow, now aint the time. [oh wait it's 2am.]

computer nearly died just now. was freakin CRYING! but thank goodness. it's alright(:

THANK YOUS!
mum&dad: THE ELECTRIC GUITAR! wait i have to thank me for half of that baby! hahaha. thanks mum and dad(: for being the best ever.
aunty cora: THE PURPLE TOWEL! woohoo. haha. thanks AC :D i hope you never leave us! haha. and yeah it was a B-E-A-Utiful colour(:
ryaN: AH LIAN EARRINGS :D! haha. dude. you pain in the ass. haha. you know i love ya luhh. i mean COME ON! putting up with your crap has GOT to be love!
carol jie & godpa: ESPIRIT TOP!woohoo! thanks for the top :D haha. i can wear it okay! i aint THAT fat! GODPA! you havent called me yet!
nick & justin: BOOK! :D haha. yesyes. i'm growing old. haha. we all grow up so fast, and its so bloody scary. o levels are just around the corner! and whens dinner ehh?
kevin kor & godma: THE OP SKIRT! it's actually loose okay! hahah. i dont want you guys to go to Australlia): damn. haha. lunch soon godma!
uncle ram & aunty val, aunty dine & uncle lawrence, uncle gerald & aunty marghereta (sp?? SORRYYY!)kow kong kow por & aunty fiona: CASH! thanks for the cash in various amounts(: be assured that it will be spent somewhat wisely, knowing my ways.. haha. LOVES!
julie porpor: CASH!special mention cause it was ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS! 3 blue notes thank you very much(: i still remember you TRYING to teach me maths. haha.
ruth: CHOCOLATE AND A CANDLE! the only one who indulged my sweet tooth(: sweet candle by the way. heh. i'll always remember your loyalty babe. the thrashing. SWEEET!

and finally,
GPP & GKK: this gets special mention and colour, cause it's an IPOD! 8gb of pure black loveliness :D every gift is amazing, and this really made me happy. thank you so so much(:

thats about it for now? list will be updated from time to time(:
and a very merry christmas to you once again :D

cause i'm dreaming, of you tonight. till tomorrow, i'll be holding you tight. and there;s nowhere in the world i'd rather be, than here in my room, dreaming about you and me.
dreaming of you.
selena.

2006-12-23T22:43:00.000+08:00

[EDIT/11.50pm: HTML TIME!lazy to do th previous posts thou]

i think i'm about ready to give up with this blog. haha. the stupid colour. anyways. im lazy to blog about yesterday. haha. so i'll just continue about today.

delivered presents to GPP's and my grandma's place today. yeaps. then dad dropped me off at orchard to meet samuel. hurs. we had a bloody early dinner, so yeah i got hungry around 9pm. haha. (dinner was at 5pm) watched night at the museum :D niceniceniceeee! haha. wanna watch it again. hurrr. had a really great time :D hahah. well duh, hehs. then sam sent me home(: yayy. LOVE YOU xD

okay, so not much of a mood to blog. considering the bloody COLOUR got someth wrong... i tried all means to fix it alr): its the computer, not the blog, i'll betcha a thousand bucks. hehs. i have yet to try HTML. but i'm rather lazy to think right now. haha.getting rather annoying..

tomorrow's gonna be a LOONGG day, and i still have no intention of sleeping. ah wells? haha. not much of a choice i guess. hur. im not tired and still got a phone call to make. *grins*

OH YES! before i forget, thanks PERRY for d/ling almost ALL the seven places songs :D :D only sleeper. but it doesnt matter. WOOHOO! I LOVEEEE YOU! and seven places of course. :D

i dont mind not knowing what im heading for, you can take me to the skies. its like being lost in heaven, when i'm lost in your eyes. i just fell, dont know why. something there we cant deny, and when i first knew, was when i first looked at you.
lost in your eyes.
debbie gibson.

2006-12-21T22:32:00.000+08:00

OKAY
my blog is REALLY annoying me now. whats with the fucking colour lah. ah well. a bit annoyed at the moment anyway.. so sorry for the crudeness.

anyway.. it's been a fun two days? drop in a few not so little arguments and a heart wrenching train ride with my ex and it's downright EXCITING! whoopdeedoo. whatever. yesterday.. watched two movies at cine with secret affair. the holiday and flyboys. flyboys was good :D JAMES FRANCO IS SOOOO HOT! i kept whacking perry just to tell him that. heh. but its so sad lah): he didnt find the girl. the holiday wasnt bad. not fantastic, but not bad.

in between movies we (FINALLY!) had lunch. pasta mania. and they screwed our drinks and his order up. SCREW YOU!!!!!!! okay, kidding. haha.

after that we met my brother at e2max, and i was abandoned for the the computer consoles. haha. kidding. had a rather big change of mood thou.. (not perry's fault, dont worry :D) and it didnt help that i had to see jedrick on the train. same carriage. FUCKING HELL. he followed me onto that carriage lah. but his mum was with him, lucky. still, i was rather terrified. after last months incident.. hur. thanks jeff and nigel for watching over me that day, and seb for dragging the bass all the way to suntec just for me. i'll ALWAYS remember that. scary.

so went home lah. today was a more.. stay at home day. yupps. had guitar class, finally managed to get the 3 songs. and then slacked off at home. perry came over, played a bit of xbox. and i just about realised how rusty i am at need for speed and xmen. SHOOT! haha. oh well? heh.

we went out for dinner after that anyway. fast food. hahaha. sick of it lah. but we had no choice. i treated myself to ice cream thou :D

then we went interchange and listened to my ipod. yupp :D THIRD EYE BLIND! haha. i'll never get sick of those songs. haha.

"johnny cash.. johnny cash.."

dont ask. haha. sighs. i'm so pissed off right now. bloody fucking gonna scream lah. i'm just about snapping at anyone and anything right, i'm all about ready to fly into a rage if i dont control. man, bad temper. and i'm being insensitive.

I'M DONE! sick of it. whatever. sighs. up for another round of screaming and shouting.. *rolls eyes* you!you know, we dont have an excuse for fighting. it;s my brother, i dont need an excuse to fight with him.

There's no greater love I know, than the love for me You've shown. There's no shadow of turning and I am yearning, where can I go but into You?There's none like you Jesus! Everything You are is so beautiful; everything You are is so wonderful; everything I am wants to be like you Jesus!
everything.
seven places.

2006-12-19T22:08:00.000+08:00

http://www.vh1.com/news/articles/1533180/20060530/sammie.jhtml?headlines=t

HEH HEH :D
i checked. 3ed IS releasing a new CD. but it's yet to be titled.. WOOHOO! cant wait thou. heh. check it at the url. it's nearer the bottom but for sure there(: (: (:

GO STEPHAN! heh. thank goodness he didnt do the solo project.. it wouldnt have been bad thou, considering his AMAZING! voice(: (: he's bloody versatile. god of wine, self-righteous and an ode to maybe proved that. oh wells. GO ARION TONY AND BRAD AS WELL :D

2006-12-19T21:30:00.001+08:00

the stupid blog is still acting up. i cant put color luh): so depressing. okay nevermind.

been atuck at home the whole day.. in bed mostly. tossing and turning and screaming. okay fine, i was just reading my book :D so in love with that book man.. heh. body aches are mostly gone, and the migraine has been reduced to on-off headaches. fever has disappeared along with most of the cold. just the sorethroat. *rolls eyes* it's become mostly normal for me anyway..

I HATE ULCERS! haha. i guess its back to my book for now? yeah.
"gone with the wind"
bloody nice. movie was nice too. heh. scarlett o'hara and rhett butler. woohoo. haha. i wanna watch the movie again.. i guess i gotta go borrow it. supahh long book and movie anyway.

I WANT THE SEVEN PLACES CD! damn i want that thing): i only have 6 of their songs! and all so wonderful as well.. at the same time gimme the rise against and ATFEH collection and i'll be soooooo happy. beginning to doubt the release of a new 3EB CD.. doesnt say anything on the website. ooh and daddy got the new incubus CD. *grins*. okay, so i'm reduced to blogging about nothing in particular. ah well. by the way, sugar ray's greatest hits CD is out. damn nice pls.

answer the phone! i know that you're home. i wanna get you alone, and do it again; do it again.
answer the phone.
sugar ray.

2006-12-19T21:30:00.000+08:00

2006-12-19T11:32:00.000+08:00

okay so my blog refuses to let me colour my words to today. or anything else for that matter. but i'm lucky i can even POST!

anyway. i didnt go for the ED:BFC concert yester cause it's my uncles birthday. regret lahh. but ah well. got the ipod :D :D :D *grins* okay so its DID cheer me up lah. a bit. okay alot. but when you get back down to reality..

today was an okay day? of doing nothing much thou. met secret affair with dad and ryan at heeren. went to eat at marche. I COULDNT FINISH A THING! i was so bloody full. note to self: never ever ever eat a meal to yourself at marche. unless it's pasta. cause then i can finish.

we went to ipod shop after that. got my skin cover thing whateverrrr and then dad dropped me and secret affair at bugis. and we got my stuff at wallet shop. pouch for the ipoD :D :D thou what i wanted was too big.. so got it for my phone. HAH! THANK YOU SECRET AFFAIR :D :D

no.you.and.sam.are.not.gonna.buy.the belt

we hung around mos for awhile.. then checked movie timings. had JUST missed eragon.. and no timing for the rest. same at orchard.. so we gave up and just ate nachos and listened to my ipod for about 45mins? or an hour? then went over to plaza sing. on the way there, saw his friends. heh.. yups. after we prowled thru yamaha i was feeling like SHIT! crap, hell, fucked up. whatever you prefer. both physically and emotionally. and that caused me to puke.

i had weird mood swings today as well.

getting caught in the rain three days in a row is seriously NOT good. i have the flu now.. the works. rather bad cold --super bad one actu-- and migraines. coupled up with a bit of a sore throat and an on-off fever. probably have to stay home tmr luhh. damn. oh well. got stuff to pack up anyway. woohoo ipod!!

life's been so bloody screwed up lately, i gotta stay on my toes. you really dont know whats gonna happen next man.. ah well? its gonna be a boring day tmr anyway. sighs. i hate being sick, (especially the stupid COLDDD! many curses on my fucking nose! i wish it could just drop off, shrivel up and turn black and die. POOF! dust. so satisfying.... urhh. nevermind) and i hate the way i've been feeling lately. i cant even feel NUMB! you'd think that being emotionally drained would stop all the feelings. more like worse. sigh. you gotta hate my life lah. oh well?

i'll edit and do the colours. SOON!

All that I wanted from you, was something you'd never do. So let me in, oh please tonight! Don't let this end; tonight. Cause I'm starting to fall, so let me in.
let me in.
save ferris.

i love you, i promise. and i'll never regret it.

2006-12-17T00:03:00.000+08:00

i wanted to post the last 2 days but i had no mood and the computer decided to go bonkers. well whatever i guess.

the sounds of sugar ray is calming my nerves down a bit anyway. at least i'm not in hysterics like this afternoon. oh well?

sugar ray DOES help anyway.. yeahs. heh.

last few days have been uh.. somewhat challenging. what with the fifteenth and all. other events also. jeff's back.. yupp. had a talk with him. i dont blame him, he cant say much. i just wish he could. sighs.. thanks jeff(: iloveyouubestfriend. today went to shaw plaza. Nike sale. yeaps. got 2 tops and a bag. bag is beautiful (cant compete with the black one secret affair got me :D) grey. really beautiful. the 2 tops have disappeared somewhere. cant be bothered. i LOVED this green and white jacket i saw just now man! but it's S): i can wear but cant be zipped up. blah. need and M/L. damnnn. love that jacket. on the plus side, dad's getting me another Adidas jacket(: no idea what colour to get thou. since i have a black alr.. maybe green or something?

girls not grey by AFI.

amazing song.

after that dad wanted to get his free gift thingy. but couldnt.. blah. queue was fucking long. had laksa and apple juice. i love apple juice. then we dropped mum off for the massage then went back. relaxed awhile.. then we went for seafood dinner. yeaps..

silent lucidity by Queensrÿche

ilovethatsong.

yesterday. huh.. the fifteenth. shall not elaborate on that day, since.. of what happened. met sam for awhile thou. talked it out and.. yeah whatever. mmhmm. i dont really remember whats been happening lately, if you get my gist. okok nevermind. haha. getting the iPod tomorrow.. i think? i hope? seeing as how ryan got his xmas present alr.. the plug-in accoustic. nice one too. has a really sweeeeettt sound. going to GKK's place tmr anyway. Kow Fu's bday. no way can go for the ED concert. but i'm in no mood anyway.. even for xmas. getting iPod will somewhat distract my mind, from whats been happening. but i'd give it up in a heartbeat... just for that to happen.. oh wells.

mum, dad and ryan are watching Batman Begins now. I cant believe i've not the heart to join them i should though.. seeing as how HOT christian bale is. not much of a distraction thou.. nothing else to do anyway. guess this is it. sorry for the random songs thou. just popped up in my head/playlist. so yeahh..

Memory; All alone in the moonlight. I can smile at the old days, I was beautiful then. I remember the time I knew what happiness was, let the memory live again. Daylight; I must wait for the sunrise. I must think of a new life, and I musn't give in. When the dawn comes, tonight will be a memory too, and a new day will begin.
memory.
andrew lloyd webber's CATS

ahh. im so sorry perry/secret affair/ass invader/batman and samuel. sighs. i havent been great after Friday you know.. and monday.. no idea if i can face you sam. this is just so fucked up.. we all dont know what to do.. and i feel so helpless. like, it's torn me in two. i cant believe this is happening. that when you find something that makes you so complete, it's snatched away. i cant convert samuel.. you know i cant.... and i wont either. Faith is about believing in something that you cant see, and the reward is being able to see it. Faith is about having faith. And thats what i have as a catholic. also the warmth and security i have when i enter church, knowing that someone's always there to listen. ALWAYS. 24/7. as much as i love you and everything. you know.. this is impossible? i love you samuel. and perry, you gotta.. forget me. we'll just kill ourselves if we dont forget all of this.. somehow i wonder if its possible.

2006-12-14T22:05:00.000+08:00

im really really really pissed annoyed disappointed and sad at the same moment. and yet, happy. like, kinda? cause of the day i spent with sam.. yupps.

having a major argument with my brother right now. it's really all i can take.. yet problems are being shoved at me. sighs. well. gotta push my feelings aside right now. i really dont mind thou.. low self esteem sometimes comes in handy eh?

feeling like crap at the moment. darn brother and.. other stuff besides. oh wells?

today.. woke up pretty late. almost 12... yeas. had the appointment thing. and i got caught in the rain. thats where it all started. called home, AC was ironing. so i called ryan, and he just screamed: SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY PHONE LAH and hung up. so i smsed, told him not to bother. spent half an hour waiting for the rain to let up, it just got worse. so i ran for it. freezing cold, i tell you. the moment i got home i screamed at ryan. apparently his phone means more than i do. and he meant it, he told me he did. apparently i dont have a brother anymore..

i showered, then left to meet sam. yupps. that was when i became real happy okay :D well. okay so we had the talk lah. but it wasnt anything like i'd expected. i thought we would have argued, parted angrily. but nope. none of it.. i guess we dont ever wanna part aye? really had a wonderful time today. it was really so amazing. i really feel so perfect with you(: you;ve become a part of me. it's all i can do to.. not think about it. yeahs. heh. i cant believe this is happening. that when i find someone so perfect, someone i can love without worrying, separation is on the brink again.

what a bitch fate is eh..?

heh. i love you so much(: everything just feels so perfect, and everything wrong all fades away.shitt. i cant believe its all happening..

got my notebooks anyway.. then had dinner at macs. heh. it's actually 1.05am right now so this is WAY brief.. went to candy empire. got popcorn. then somehow found the mrt. went home :D he was late thou.. so sorry!

bah. tired.
oh yeahh.. i'm getting my 8gb ipod. somehow it's not cheering me up.

no song today.

2006-12-13T21:22:00.000+08:00

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths."
Proverbs 3, 5-6

no one ever said life was easy. but who said it was gonna be so hard? i wonder you know.. why does fate have to hang something in front of you, something you needed so bad, and then snatch it away? and when you think you have it.... that everythings alright, it just fades and disappears? and that everything wasnt real? i cant bring myself to believe it anymore.

i was so careful. really.. but i ended up making the same mistake again. i never wanted this to happen, for me to be so..... careless. but when i found that security, i let myself fall in. i fell too fast without seeing where i was headed, and now i'm crashing head first into disaster.i fell too fast.. i let myself it was real. and now... and now.

and now.

what else am i supposed to do?

oh God.. you're making it so hard. sometimes feel like i dont matter. how am i supposed to tell the difference? i wanna change fate, i want to so bad. but i cant tell the difference, i dont what to change. and i dont know what to trust anymore.. i know i can trust you. but please God.. tell me. what am i supposed to do?
now?

God grant me
the serenity to accept the things i cannot change;
the courage to change the things that i can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

i pray this with all my heart, i put everything into it. it;s what i try to live by. God, please. give me the wisdom to know the difference. i want to know.. what to do.
amen.

somehow.. i just.
i just....

2006-12-13T20:40:00.000+08:00

woohoo?
today started out alright..hehs. was supposed to meet sam at bishan j8, but he tried to surprise me. haha. was waiting at the busstop :D but then when i saw him i became evil and told him i'm walking. and left. heh heh.

but he found me anyway.. shared lunch at LJS, then went to cine & cathay to check out movie timings. got it at cathay.. Deja-Vu. mmhmms.. then went to kembangan. haha :D he went to get his guitar and i just slacked around waitingl. met secret affair and went to catch the movie. woohooo..

couldnt decide where to have dinner.. i wanted swensons.. heh. but didnt. carls jr was way too crowded. so yeah. in the end went to KFC. there wasnt anywhere else to go. i lost my appetite anyway.

they sent me back.. thanks guys(: yupps. thats about it. dont ask me to elaborate. i'm in no mood to elaborate. i wonder if i even want to remember..

if a picture paints a thousand words, then why cant i paint you? the words will never show, the you i've grown to know. if a face can launch a thousand ships, then where am i to go? there's no one home but you, you're all thats left me to.
if.
bread.

2006-12-12T22:38:00.000+08:00

im tired.
owing to the fact i woke up at the ungodly hour of SEVEN AM, and being out the whole day. i even missed a stop in the mrt just now.urrhh... hmm. maybe a FEW stops. hahaha :D

fine, so i ended up at novena. shut up. i was tired.
:D

met secret affair at plaza sing. got sam's shirt :D super nice man. heh heh. he knows what it is and how much it is already lahh.. heh. but i'm sssh-ing it here. haha. then after that went to ngee ann to collect my free gift and i showed him the earrings :D i think i'm obsessed with them..

in the MRT, i was super high.. man. haha. i remember; i told perry to take the travellator.. then i said: PERRY WHY SO LAZY TAKE THE TRAVELLATOR! hahah. (i think its wrong spelling!) and i kept going WOOHOO! i actually freaked some girl out. hey, better high than low aye? haha.

ESCALATORS ARE KNOWN AS WOOHOOS!
ELEVATORS ARE KNOWN AS YEAH-AHS!
STAIRCASES ARE KNOWN AS LA LA LAS!
heh heh. trust me, dont ask. haha

then went on to sam's house.. yupps. :D used computer awhile, slacked around. and we had our ah.. talk. watched some tv then went to have dinner. haha CHICKEN RICE! thankyouloadsaloadsaSAMUEL(: chicken pie, toblerone and coke tooo! hahahaha :D then.. something happened with secret affair. yeah, more later.

perry left.. then i went back to samuels place to slack awhile. then went home. WOOHOO! (think i'm riding on a woohoo!) haha. okay nevermind.

secret affair: hey man. like i said, God only gives us these problems cause he knows we can deal with them. have a little faith in yourself and us(: you can do it okay? i promised i'm always gonna be there, so far have i let you down?(doubt it..) and i promise i never will. i'll talk to him about it alright. hey man. i love you okay?(:

[EDIT/11.10pm] apparently gabriel is talking to me now.. hurhur. stupid ass :D ah wells. i'm nice.. heh. he asked me out. with the usual group.. eugene, nigel, JEFF :D, wee shiang, yaw seng. and me. haha ONLY GIRL :D like old times.. unless JJ and regina are coming. but ah wells! the more the merrier(: i'm surprised he mentioned wee shiang too thou.. first name he mentioned. hmm. is the world coming to an end? not wait he'll mention nicholas when that happens. NO OFFENCE NICK I LOVE YOU(:

hm. the past is hard to forget i guess..

oh yes(:
I HAVE AN LCD TV! samsumg.its niceee. okay, so its the familys. haha. downstairs.. yayye. finally! no more black/white flashes and mute shit..

Tell me have you ever felt, like you start fallin' down, but the sun is gonna shine again? Tell me have you ever felt like you've been left alone, but you know deep down your wrong?
aint no reason.
christina milian.

2006-12-12T09:26:00.000+08:00

rahhhhhhhh.
i am sooo tired at the moment. technically, my body is WAY exhausted. but my brain is super awake. what an interesting combination thou. not helping that i woke up at 730 this morning.. couldnt get back to sleep. hurr.

messaging sam now anyw :D he cant get back to sleep either..

AND BABYS SICK): he's just lying there looking somewhat, erm. pathetic. hahahhaa. i mean my dog you idiots. hahaha. but seriously, he's sick and im worried.. if he doesnt eat later, i wont go out. i think.

meeting secret affair later, to get sam's present. and his and mine as well :D woohooooo. hahahaha. then off to samuels house probably around 3 or 4pm..

jeff's in bintan now, the stupid ass. haha. i miss that place.. solitude and stuff. eh, sounds familiar. haha. JEFFREY YOU TOOT! I MISS YOU! haha. yes, come to think of it i miss our mindless chatter and him giving me stupid advice, which has already been drummed in my head. and his not listening to me.

well, maybe i dont miss him so much.
HAH! i'm kidding jeff! GET BACK YOU!!!!! i havent seen you in almost two weeks!

just one last dance by sarah connor and marc terenzi.
its been somewhat stuck in my head the last few days.. but i cant get it in the phone owing to a screwy memory card and assholic iTunes. bleah. AND NO WINDOWS MEDIA PLAYER STILL SUCKS TO ME WORHZXZXZ. heh heh. okayokay. whateverrr; to each his own i guess..

mad at dad now as well. he;s annoying. oh well.. and he bought the new goo goo dolls CD. let love in. of which i have all the songs cause someone sent them to me. thou, music quality in the CD would be better...... but still a waste of money! thou i admit i do love goo goo dolls. haha. he got the sugar ray greatest his collection and... somethin else i cant remember.

okay so this was a mindless post. IM SORRY! im bored. and its only 930. mann.. another 2 and 1/2 hours to meeting perry.damnit. i'm gonna go crazy!

Do you hold onto your convictions in disbelief? How I must live I feel, like distancing. I'm so tired of passing strength, but it's the only thing I can give today. Find a place where your voice matters; in doing this, bring your spirit back to form. Shaped by how I must live in this place, and still I feel I don't belong.
still.
jodie manross.

THANKS SECRET AFFAIR :D

2006-12-11T19:50:00.000+08:00

i have a migraine at the moment. hurr.
talking to sam and perry now.. same convo. i'm not registering what their saying. in fact, i dont register what i've just said. hahaha :D *shakes head* THINK SARAH THINK! you just typed a what? hahahaha. rights so.

today, woke up super duper late. at like, TWELVE LAH. i just looked at my phone (SEVEN MESSAGES!!!) and didnt really bother, just went back to sleep. dragged myself up and had to clear up some stuff for mum *rolls eyes* then left the house.. met yulica, vivian and mandy around 3plus? at gelares.. then we walked down to taka for vivians thing. and hung around there..

then mandy had to leave so i walked her to th mrt. we went to forever twenty one. WOOHOO! i want the orange, red and white ring earrings :D espec the white.. and the bangles. thou maybe a bit small?

ruth had to work overtime after that so we didnt meet her. vivian left alr by then.. so yupps. met jr, and him and yuls left. i needed to collect my CDs from shawns place, but he was outside playing ball; with ken and JC. lucky he had them. then i came home. pretty early really..

I WANT THE ARMANI XCHANGE BELT WHICH COSTS 116 DOLLARS!
no i'm just kidding. ahaha.

okay, the headache migraine is getting worse. i'm gonna go shower then probably sleep. time? it;s eight oclock.

i was so afraid, now i realise; love is never wrong, and so it never dies. i know, love will find a way. anywhere i go, i'm home; if you are there beside me. lie dark, turning into day. somewhere we'll come through, now that i've found you, love will find a way.
love will find a way.
Lion King 2 - Kenny Lattimore & Healther Headley.

2006-12-11T02:57:00.000+08:00

HEY HEY :D
heh. secret affair aint gonna be happy.
haha.

I LIED TO HIM.
told him i was done but i had another 15mins to go.. haha. worth it i think? the blog IS pretty nice. haha. he was frigging tired anyway. he sounded DEAD lahh..

i leave you with wise words of open season :D

Once there was a magical elf who lived in a rainbow tree.
He lived downstairs from a flatulent dwarf who constantly had to pee.
One day the elf could take no more,
so he went to bang on the rude dwarf's door;
and what do you know, they suddenly both were marrrrried.